You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

currently listening to: "war pigs" by black sabbath

last night i watched "zodiac" and the accompanying documentaries for the purpose of completely freaking myself out. i love doing that sometimes. i'd have to say that's the most near-rational thing that i've ever been terrified of. as close a second as it gets, i think, would be in "silence of the lambs", when clarice is in the basement. and the scene itself doesn't bug me, it's the idea of that actually happening. i hate being in dark rooms with people taunting me. brings me to tears.

so thanks to "zodiac", i have miserable back cramps, because i was half watching, half hiding in my mess of pillows. i think they're doing more harm than good and i'm going to have to see about retiring two of them. if only i had a bigger bed. that's what i aspire to. i'll have made it when i have a nice, big, awesome bed that accomodates, comfortably: myself, four pillows, and a minimum of ten stuffed animals. i am an outrageous dweeb for stuffed animals. currently sleeping with me: the small, gorgeous human heart plushie, the miraculous psyduck (both from jimmy), and the ultra-curious "hop on pop" that my mom got me because "it's so fucking weird" (her words), and i can't help loving it.

i'm awake at this ungodly hour (actually 11:26, i haven't fixed the clock yet) because i woke up at 8 today to fix my sleep schedule and help my sister move out of her dorm. i hadn't visited her school yet, and it is in an even more quaint, bizarre village than mine is. my school is in a disgraced former center of industry. hers is in this wee oasis of not-a-retail-chain-in-sight. everything i saw was independantly owned and specific to the town, the obvious example being the movie theatre. i want to go to that movie theatre. i bet it's so cute inside i won't be able to stand it. i'll never leave.

i feel like i haven't properly written in here in too long. because i have been sick, asleep most of the day, and constantly coming and going with people since i've been back. now they all know i'm not going anywhere, my body's starting to get the jist that it won't have to eat cafeteria food again until late august and that there's no reason to worry about when i'm going to work "sleep" into my schedule. i start summer school within the next weekish or so. i hope to be employed very soon. i've propped a small picture of myself up on my dresser, and it's me when i was (i believe) a freshman in high school. i look absurd. not exagerratedly, what-was-i-thinking absurd, but uncomfortable absurd. for every one feature i'm glad is different, there's a worse one that's still the same. ugh.

i've gotta work these cramps out, and do something productive. my hazy suggestion of a to-do list for today includes cleaning my closet, a good and thorough plunge into ROSSIIAAAAAAA and some tinkering with my own fiction. and some intense dancing to black sabbath.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)