11:03 a.m. x 2008-05-19

currently listening to: "act of the apostle" by belle & sebastian

well i'm embarrassed. and not just because i've been keeping shit track of you lately, diary (though that contributes).

i'm talking about my friends. i love them, and what's going down is between them and none of my business. but they aren't speaking, or they are failing to speak, and i speak to both of them routinely. i'm feeling caught. i can't do much about it except attempt to avoid the subject of one in dialogue with the other. which just looks and feels shady. shady shady palm tree.

i'll lay it all out for you: lexi and amanda were best friends. amanda went to college. she did what college kids do, which is party her face into oblivion. it goes without saying that when someone you love undergoes a personality shift that shifts into toking up frequently, all the priceless facets toking up frequently endows upon those who imbibe of it (which are invisible to them and glaring to others), and assossiating with drug-addled hooligans. to those participating, they're in control. nothing bad could happen. but that's just not how it looks to us. we worry. we who don't do drugs worry about our loved ones who do. but it's a tense statement. you know it, we know it. and when it comes to situations where we feel the need to state it aloud, everybody gets skittish.

so that was happening, plus: amanda's methods of time management are not stellar. neither are mine. neither are anyone's i can think of. but there are moments when you cannot drop the ball on devoting time to someone. amanda did. amanda didn't know this because lexi didn't come out and say it. even though to you, the objective third party, her discontent would be obvious: small quiet child in a strange bad house with two people smoking when she is not smoking and feeling jipped out of quality time with her best friend when she could've felt closer to her, bonding with her. there are plenty of things they both enjoy. amanda spending time with her other friend smoking was not it. but lexi had to say it and she didn't. because to her it would be insulting, very naturally - why should i have to say that that offended me?, she thinks. because you have to point it out. no one can read your mind. not even your best friend.

a hard-won observation.

so now they are not communicating, and very recently (like yesterday), amanda wrote a very frustrated blog about lexi's lack of communication with her, and cited it as being a reason for her to further venture into drugtaking.

kids, you sort this out. and don't make any mistakes that you will regret forever, because that knowing glance from me that you've fucked up is just the worst.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)