2:47 p.m. x 2008-06-22

currently listening to: "alabama" by john coltrane

HEY. FUCK MY MOTHER.

i have been home for a month and a half and my mother is having breakdowns about me to her therapist, because i'm such a "drain" on her. i barely interact with her. i barely interact with her when i don't need money. WHY? this is not my fault. things are the way they are between us because she hates hanging out with me. she hates being around me. she never wants to talk with me or do anything with me. so i only go out of my way to address her when necessary. that's the only time it's necessary. and you know what? i hate doing it. i hate asking for money. more than anything else in the fucking universe. and SHE KNOWS THIS. she knows how self-conscious it makes me. she knows i am actively looking for a job. she knows how upset i am, how i've cried over my lack of success. she thinks it's just something wrong with how i've approached it, how i act when i go looking. she complained when i asked her to take me to go look for applications. she called it a waste of time. WHAT?! THEN DO NOT RANT TO YOUR THERAPIST ABOUT HOW I AM ALWAYS ASKING YOU FOR MONEY AND LAMENT TO ME HOW "UNHEALTHY" THAT DYNAMIC IS.

JUST FUCK YOU YOU EXERCISE BULIMIC SON OF A FUCKING BITCH. YOU LOOK LIKE A PIECE OF BEEF JERKY. YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SPRANG FRESH FROM A CONCENTRATION CAMP. STOP ASKING ME IF YOU LOOK GOOD EVERY THREE SECONDS. THAT IS NOT MY JOB. YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAD CHILDREN. YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL. I AM NOT ENDURING YOU ANY MORE.

i am going to do whatever it takes to terminate this relationship with this sick person before it makes me any sicker.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)