You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

currently listening to: "adagietto from symphony no. 5" by gustav mahler

i have not properly updated in a while. i have been very depressed about not being able to find a job, and not getting very much moral support from my family. today was better. my mom bought me "death in venice", which i've wanted to see for a really long time. so i am enjoying that, and ardently hoping that i get the job that i applied for today, because i would really really love it.

i passed the movie theatre today. "the dark knight" is premiering next week at midnight. i want to go. i want to go the way i'd planned. i feel like that isn't going to happen. it breaks my heart a little. i don't know if i'll go then...at least not that night. maybe during the day, alone, when there's a really good chance i'll be the only one in the theatre. then if i do something retarded, like cry (which i am absolutely doing), it'll be less embarrassing. i wish it could happen like i've wanted it to happen. i don't know though. i feel like everything is out of my hands completely. anyway. tomorrow i'm definitely going to go to the theatre and see if they're sold out for the midnight openening, then (a lot are, apparently!), and get a new stick of eyeliner and get my haircut. these things are pertinent.

of the 600 starbucks projected to shut down within the coming year, ours is "apparently" a prime target, according to my mother. i don't think that place underperforms a bit, the closest freestanding one is a half-hour away. one morning i went there when it was supposed to be opening and one of the employees - the one with the key, i assume - didn't show up, so it wasn't opened. a crowd accumulated, and lexi and i couldn't have waited there more than five minutes. i don't know. i don't think that one will close. but if they do - it serves them right for never calling me back after applying.

man, aschenbach and i are very similar. i really look foreword to gondaliering someday, but i'd much much rather learn how to operate one than to just take a ride in it. oh my god this is hard to watch. i want to hug the shit out of this man.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)