You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

currently listening to: "tain ya bain mei ren gui" by clare fader & the vaudevillains

i am emerging slowly from feeling-like-shit. i am at once ashamed and frustrated with the persistence of the feeling, and at the same time conscious of how i really do feel horrible for a good reason (i'm physically sick). i'm twitchy and scratchy and can't sustain conversation. i slept until seven in the evening yesterday, got ice cream with kara and clare, and was completely back asleep by one. i think eating something healthy and solid will help. i am on my way to do that.

i am so profoundly hard on myself. if only i could channel that discipline into something practical. this is a blip on my radar. what a fresh way to look at it. i think i am making some advancements that will benefit me in life. i think i am good. i just need to understand that. in many ways, i'm free. now i just need to get over this problem with my stomach. i have trouble keeping down anything that isn't cold and soft?! guugh.

i'm going to tack on this rant, i do not want to give it its own entry: my mother and my sister are intolerable together. i would like to avoid them at any cost once living with them is not on the agenda, and specifically i wouldn't be opposed to losing all contact with my sister. she is caustic and belittling every chance she has to open her mouth. she is no better equipped to be social than my brother is, but at least he is aware of it. she is under the impression that she's normal, the standard that my brother and i are not living up to. she is relentlessly judgemental and won't leave it alone when he or i do something she doesn't like. she is hurtful and unsupportive. i can't begin to even start conversations with her. i tried yesterday. i heard her say something about the "if you teach a man to fish" proverb (probably trying to be clever). i wanted to retort with the (genuinely clever) "if you build a man a fire" proverb (if you are unfamiliar: "build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day - set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life"). had i gotten a chance to do that, she probably would have enjoyed it, and it would have been a warm moment between us. instead as soon as i called for her attention, she informed me that i left an empty box in the freezer, another indication that i'm an idiot, and hence: she didn't want to listen to anything i had to say.

and i'm sure i've written about this before...years ago, i bet...CHRIST FUCKING FORBID I POLITELY ASK TO HAVE THE RADIO TURNED OFF WHEN I'M IN THE CAR. i don't drive. but i also rarely ever ask to be driven places. both of them drive around to their respective or mutual, parasitic hearts' content, during which time they might blast their epically shitty choice of music willy nilly. but if i'm in the car for two minutes, going wherever i'm going and never to be heard again, if i ask - you'd think i'd just told them i killed the dog. they LOSE IT. a diatribe is not far behind at this point. i'm selfish. i never consider anybody else's feelings. i should get my own license/car/pile of debt if i want the radio off so bad. well SHIT. sometimes this is accompanied by a criticism of my taste in music (the instances of either of them ever hearing the music i listen to are so incredibly rare that they probably think i still only listen to hole and marilyn manson [which, i still do, but not only them - and this puts them roughly five years behind]). they listen to showtunes (whatever's popular, because they can't even form opinions about the kind of bullshit they like - i've had to suffer through hairspray, jersey boys, and the sound of music most intensely in my lifetime), rap (again, whatever's popular, and this, above all, must be sung along to), crossover country-pop (i would gleefully accept lil wayne as many times consecutively as it takes if that meant sugarland, taylor swift, and carrie underwood were avoided entirely) and flowery warbling in the vein of "american idol" contestants. i am shocked they're not into the disney channel, but i guess everyone has their limits.

and they're in it together. my sister masterminding the operation, naturally. if they are together, my mother uses her as a shield. if she and i are alone, the radio tends to get turned off easily enough. it's usually that i would rather talk than hear it, or she acquises to the classical music channel. but she has no spine around my sister. i don't know if it's the influence or her frustration with the disparation between my sister and i that turns her into bitchmonster when i'm around them.

and another thing: my sister is on a mission to discredit absolutely every observation/insight i have, particularly about myself. she is the most severe detriment to my self-confidense that exists around me, that i can't politely extinguish. i'm sure of what she'd say if i talked about my problem with paranoia and social anxiety. she'd say i don't have it, i'm being dramatic. my mom is aware of both things, by virture of observation. however, if i were to say something around the two of them together, my sister would have her say, my mother would let her get away with it, and then she'd act like it never happened. that's not such an excellent dynamic.

i am a much happier person and i'm able to accomplish much more when i'm not around people like them.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)