1:56 a.m. x 2009-01-07

currently listening to: "miss orleans" by vermillion lies

it is a week into 2009 and i haven't written an entry yet. i have spent most of 2009, so far, being very sick to my stomach and trying to get work done. this thing happens to me when i'm at home (the long version): if i don't have plans, i will wake up very late. i will usually be very sick because i've slept over 12 hours. i will eat something, which, because it is my house, might mean spaghetti or a lean cuisine or maceroni. then i will WANT to move around, go on a walk, go out someplace to move around and see things, but i cannot under these circumstances (freezing rain). so i will sit, and i will get very sick. i get very sick when i eat and sit around. so then i will not eat for a very long time, until it's late and i should be trying to get to sleep.

i want to go back to school now. i have not felt very good for the past few days.

i want to start very actively, very consciously making decisions about what i eat and how much i exercise because i am genuinely feeling very bad about my weight. being home is also not good for this.

i made spaghetti tonight and i know it made me sick. i am home for three more days. you will note that i referred to this as "the long version", by the way. the short version of what happens to me when i'm at home is I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

my job at all times, really, is to write, but i cannot sit and write and be productive like i enjoy if i do not first get up, move, think, get my ideas in order. if i'm just sitting around i'm just sitting around, probably getting sick or about to get sick.

i miss the ability to get up and go down my flight of stairs and get on a bus and go read or go to the grocery store and sit and read or get coffee and read. school's real conducive to that. when i get back to my room after my day is over i feel relieved to be resting and ready to work.

in sixteen weeks i'll be convulsing in sobs telling this entry to shut up. spring semester is agony. i told everyone i want a 4.0 semester, which was a weirdly suicidal decision. what i withhold, i do so because i don't want people to know my intentions about it. like the weight thing, three quarters of the time. this makes it easier for me to fail. i'm trumpeting both these intentions, and not because it's the new year. i was pretty firm in my needing something to the tune of a 4.0 when i saw how i FAILED TWO CLASSES THIS SEMESTER. you know.

oh, no you don't. i didn't tell you. on december eleventh i was lamenting about how i probably had "two Cs". bullshit. i did outright, 100% fail one class (astronomy! jesus! i didn't even feel myself failing that, that's how bad i failed - it just slipped through my hands) and the other i got a D in (chaucer, fucking bastard). now, this D - i was under the impression that, it being a class in my major and a requirement, that i had to get a C or better for it to count. the D counted on my program evaluation online, so i'm investigating that when i get back. because i'm fucked-ish for astronomy, but if i have to figure out how to take chaucer again (or shakespeare, either works for that horrifyingly idiotic requirement) i am FUCKED CLINICALLY.

happy 09 (!).

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)