heaven is of honey

10:28 p.m. x 2009-01-31

currently listening to: "silence is sexy" by einsturzende neubauten

kara isn't coming next weekend. she was going to, but she isn't able to now. i'm considerably bummed.

i cannot tolerate crippling insecurity in myself or other people close to me and lately my self-assurance has not been up to par and it's exhausting. i am cognizant of the fact that i deal much better with others when i'm not going "FUCK! FUUCCCKKK!!!" after everything i do/say.

"it's awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing" (hemingway). i really like hemingway. if he and i'd been contemporaries, it would've been nice to be surly and grumbly with him.

clare brought up earlier how she wishes she'd arrived in time for modernism. i have to echo that sentiment. my idea of the world was outdated when i was younger and it's only gotten more and more so as culture accelerates without me. i'm considering modifying my lifestyle to completely negate any element i see as sending american life down the tubes. i am afraid of losing cultural literacy, but i don't want to endorse what i fundamentally don't agree with, which, i'm slowly arriving at what that is.

i would not mind living without heat/electricity for a little while. i don't have much of a vendetta against those things, but i could live without them if it was necessary that i do so. i want to do as much on my own without relying on things that erode my integrity more than they help me live independantly.

i should get the literary journal submissions tomorrow! i'm so excited to read them! before that i need to get put more of a dent in my essay and listen to more bauhaus. that should cap off every statement. more bauhaus.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11