now you are the wheel, now you are the coal, now you are the fire burining in the engine down below

2:56 p.m. x 2009-04-24

currently listening to: "slowed down trip to hell" by the builders and the butchers

i thought i had sabotaged my friendship with the person here who is (sans gretchen) closest to me but i didn't. i'm relieved. yesterday bryan, tom, christianna, angela and i hung out and talked for a while after dinner and it was so beautiful outside and that moment was so perfect before the end of the year. i'm so excited to be able to see them graduate.

yesterday was the end of the creative essay, a class i struggled with way more than fiction. fiction is WORK but not EXCRUTIATING I-CAN'T-FUCKING-DO-THIS-OH-THE-FUTILITY work, which creative nonfiction is for me. but i did better in this because of the hard work, because i did it. in fiction there is only one grade, whatever you get in the end, which was an A, after i got a B on the first evaluation. but i got an A on every essay i did for this class. at the end he then "assigned" us books to read over the summer (even though he will only see three of us in the fall). he told me to read out of africa, something wicked this way comes and 100 years of solitude. he wanted me to read nightwood and 120 days of sodom too but i told him i all ready had and he was so excited. he likened me to de sade. i've arrived.

next year i have, in english: fiction II, the novel, american lit II and brit lit II, form & theory of fiction and - this was so amazing: i went to tell my romantic literature professor how much i loved her class. i got a 95% in it and it really renewed my confidense in writing critically after the D i got in chaucer. she then invited me into her advanced criticism class (!!!), which she only admits students into if she knows they'll do excellent work (which is how the writing major works as a whole), and so she's going to put me in and make sure i can definitely do competant critical work for grad school! that's so wonderful of her!

i've gotten so much support and positive reinforcement from professors this semester/year (my forensic psych professor was also an amazing source of confidense and he was the only psych faculty member who was sad to see me leave the major). it is not what i'm used to. i've spent a lot of my time in counseling this semester working through the impact my high school art teacher's had on my self-esteem and the way i percieve responsibility and accomplishment and the way i react to/work with authority figures. unpleasant as it is, it's worked out in my favor in many ways. i do a lot involuntarily, and i'm glad to now be aware of it. i could stand to not be so sensitive to immaturity and favoritism because it is everywhere. eventually.

i suppose this weekend bryan, tom, bryan's girlfriend amber, christianna and i are having bryan's father and our writing professor at tom's house for dinner. after that, amber and i are going to join ashley and take christianna out for a bachelorette party. it's going to be beautiful! and then i have my final! and then i'm going home! and then i'm going to see amber w! and then i'm coming right back here?!

(my 22nd birthday is very soon, also. very soon. geez.)

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11