we were inhabitants of one hotel new hampshire after another

9:47 p.m. x 2009-05-04

currently listening to: "straight" by amanda palmer

frustrated. frustratedfrustratedfrustrated.

but

kara and i went out for dinner. elisa and amber w popped in. i was able to CALL GRETCHEN for the first time since january and we made amazing plans. i will see her this sunday. i will fall to pieces with glee.

my birthday is wednesday. what spectacular timing.

after months and months of not knowing how i feel or just feeling bad. i was even talking to my mom about it. after he had been patient while i thought my decision through and became comfortable enough to be a girlfriend again. instead he was accumulating reasons it would not, in fact, work out.

"working out" was never what i had in mind. i don't honestly give a shit about anything "working out". i was enjoying loving him again. i was in love with him again. which, for me, is a total disregard of what "works out" and what doesn't but being happy in the moment and not making a big deal out of small things. he wasn't calling and we didn't see each other for a very long time because he was busy. and it made me sad but not like it would have once. it wasn't a big deal. i was happy to miss him again. it felt good to care that he called or didn't call. i was coming out of that defensive position. i was ready to do things again, girlfriendly gestures like making baked goods and drawings like i used to do.

so it just feels 100% spiteful. it feels like a setup.

i am more frustrated/exasperated/bewildered/fuck-it and other similar indifferent-angry sort of adjectives.

this person has broken up with me four-odd times in three years. time to take the hint, even if he can't.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11