i dare you to tell her, won't you tell her she was wrong? i dare you to wake up and pretend she isn't gone.

8:28 p.m. x 2009-05-11

currently listening to: "broken record" by scarling.

i was on the phone with my mom today when this happened: "why don't you stay at school all summer and finish your nonsense classes before your senior year?"

today was my first day of may-long stats class, and being alone here is a real experience. it's so much spookier i don't even enjoy playfully acknowleging it to myself. it's such a beautiful part of such a destitute area, and it gets so bad to be in so fast just a few miles off campus.

when i'm working i'm sure i'll feel better. i did not feel so great today, but that is because of how the day started. naturally. i thought i'd slept in (from the ITIS), but i was actually a half-hour early in waking. by the time i realized that, i had adrenaline coming out of my eyes and was utilizing my newfound free moment to fly up to the student store and get my book. and notebook. and binder. ironically i brought ONE PEN with me out here and did not think to bring it to class, or to buy one this morning. when i went to have my purchase rung a problem with my account came up, and lo - i discovered after class - my loan was just approved this morning and i will not have access to the money, which is all the money i have, until the end of the week. i should have no problems lasting a week on what i have right now, but it scared me for the sake of the class for which it's paying.

my love of mark ryden's work. that has been in my life and a beautiful part of it for so long, and i was so happy to get the issue of "hi fructose" on his "snow yak" exhibit for my birthday. the lincoln apparition rearing forth from the arctic cave is hanging out right beside my bed. i'm about to put the amorphous polar bear under my moustache.

my mom bought me a "chat noir" poster yesterday before i left, so the room wouldn't look quite so barren. it helps so much. i don't know if i can do this any longer than a month (i'm not ready to say i can't), but i am having a pretty nice time now that i'm relaxed, making red curry and settling into an evening of rereading the brothers karamazov (after far too long) and completing akasha's "syllabus".

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11