2:49 p.m. x 2009-05-18
currently listening to: "a baby for pree" by neutral milk hotel
my loan vanished. the money that i expected, that i counted on, is not there. not the amount that i applied for. and need. at the moment, that has me very short of breath. but, as a result of that and a well-timed phonecall from gretchen, she's VISITING WITH GROCERIES TOMORROW and i'm going to sob with joy. mostly for her. she knows she does not have to compete with groceries for my affection.
yesterday bill, mel, mark and i tripped out to bryan's and celebrated his graduation with a party at his family's funeral home! his mother was so excited to meet me and his father was absolutely the greatest. he picked all the almonds out of the mixed nuts to give to me because he heard that i like them. he was on hand to watch me and continuously get me water when i had trouble breathing. his sister was a joy. she led me through the house and joked about how afraid i was, because it was dark (and she is blind, and naturally has no problem negotiating her own residence - but i can't even do that around my house in the dark). we had tea and coffee and cupcakes, watched bryan open his cleverly tagged gifts and harassed his marvelous cat. i found a copy of the sun also rises and threw it in mark's face, which released more tension than i ever expected it would.
mel remarked that he and i had what could be deemed a singular ongoing, unbroken discourse throughout the entire day. which is true. and what has happened every time we've spoken. it is continuous. there are momentary pauses to include or to talk to someone else entirely but it just resumes then, as if no such pause was ever taken. and one incredible, oh-my-god-we-love-all-the-same-things-the-same-way revelation after another. so that was going on, and nothing. i didn't do anything - i don't want to, i don't have the wherewithall to right now - but it threw me. it hurt and confused me and i called bryan after i got back in a pitiful state and he gave me the most wonderful, caring talk about how much he feels for me, what i mean to him as a friend - for which i am so fucking lucky. i am writing him a letter in order to properly thank him for being really a perfect friend. he snapped me out of a lot (a lot of the vulnerability and too-openness that is dangerous right now, for me in my present circumstance as well as him recovering from the wrongdoings of himself and others in the realm of relationships) and brought it into a much more manageable perspective for me, being that the last week has been taxing in all sorts of graphic respects.
the long talk with bryan and the long talk with gretchen, who know mark well in different ways, have me feeling more on top of being able to relate and properly communicate without veering too far into what is just too big of a black hole in my solar plexus right now. i can't afford to feel the way i'm feeling about anyone who isn't my speed, and i can respect and respect all day but deep down i'm too vulnerable for patience. it's not a winning quality but at least i know myself well enough to embrace it. and i do. i feel in a wonderful place with myself. which has made this - success or not - all the more enjoyable, knowing my feelings and why things are happening, if only on my end (which is what counts until i'm in any kind of a legitimate relationship).
now i am trying to wrap my head around homework and preparing to hear from bill and/or mel later on tonight. bill wants neutral milk hotel from me and i want drawing paper and pencils from him in order to make he, bryan, mark, mel and amber drawings for when we all reconvene on monday. potentially with surprise gretchen. they're so great, all of them. i'm glad i know them all now, right now, that i am so clear-headed and happy and able to enjoy them for what beautiful people they are.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start