1:35 p.m. x 2009-06-13
currently listening to: "oasis" by amanda palmer
i'm so happy about and grateful for mark. he walked out into the middle of the woods last night (he is at their lakefront property) in order to locate a spot with reception in order to talk to me for a little. he called me again this morning to try a spot on the lake. he's going to send money this week so i can visit again. and i absolutely want to spend time with him again. it is so beneficial. we want to write and take pictures together.
i'd like to go for another reason, also. i'd like to not unravel any further. conditions here are so bad. i don't want anything to do with these people. i can't get wrapped up in these people at all. it's so bad. my sister is going to lose it violently. my mother and father are up-front about not wanting to speak to me. my little brother has a full-time job. and i don't. i submitted four applications this week and i can only wait now. in the meantime i'd like to be out of this, away from this, not allow it to get to me.
there is a high wall there, mentally. i can't allow myself to think in terms of contrast. the way my mother used to treat me and now. my dad's never handled anything that great. i am an adult and it's certainly better than if she did this when i was younger but still support from her, acknowledgement and understanding from her would be so valuable. she does not have the capacity to do any of that for herself, though. so it isn't shocking.
our house is fucked up. aesthetically. until i get a job i'm going to make it look livable.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start