You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

currently listening to: "the bandit queen" by the decemberists

i don't think i wrote, last time i came back from mark's, about the song he wrote me. mark wrote me a beautiful, precious, very specific-to-me love song about our experiences watching david lynch films together. i just got back again and two or three days ago - after i'd been there all week - he told me he had another song he'd like to play for me, that he wrote specifically for me but was not as characteristically me-ridden. but, god - god - it was the most beautiful, romantic gesture anyone has ever made for me. it is an absolutely breathtaking song! and the sentiments in it were so sweeping and grand and hearing them out of him means so much!

we made hummus and guacamole very, very successfully, as well as tom yum soup and lentil burgers. he took me out to dinner and i took him out to dessert. we took a walk in a gigantic, gorgeous park i can't wait to go back to. we talked about the future, which was peppered neurotically with our mutual skittishness over being something that keeps the other from living properly, though neither of us is that sort of person. that we both feel on a similar trajectory is, in itself, presently satisfying and a perfectly wonderful feeling. it won't be the future for a little while yet, and we should enjoy this right now.

he is beautiful, and considerate and so much fun to be around and to talk to. we watched the beginning of "mad men", which neither of us had seen, and "six feet under", which he's seen and the watching of which i'm going to continue pursuing independantly so i can discuss it with him. i am still so stunned. he is beyond the most glowing of adjectives.

i'm going to wrap my head around how good this past week was vs. the fact that i'm back here now, take a long bath and start one of the books he bought me (the hours, mrs. dalloway, catch 22 [!!!!!!!], four quartets by ts eliot, plus several of the plays he saw in london, which he loaned me) and get some writing in tonight. i have a little money now for the rest of the summer and i want to go up there again - and now i have an office! - so i'm going to get SERIOUS about writing, finding journals i can submit to, investigate grad school, etc. i still want a job, but i don't want to break my spirit over it (it won't be a lost cause forever, this situation is so finite) and i'd rather be, at this very moment, happy and clear headed and productive than getting myself upset and into a self-sabotoging mindset over circumstances beyond my control.

i am so happy to have SO MUCH going for me that is so glorious and special. i am so excited to return to school in six weeks (i have spent half a month with mark this summer plus the month of may...that's pretty good considering what a distance there is geographically - i am endeavoring at least two more visits, which i think is a perfectly reasonable goal). i can't wait to start working! with the poetry professor! winter! amazing fucking classes! i think i have figured out the bus maneuverings to get from school to mark's, which i will investigate in-detail when the semester starts. by then he should have a car, because very, very soon he should have a job (two excellent prospects! i hope he gets one!). we have some very exciting, stunning plans for november that will be so perfect...november really needs that sort of thing.

YES!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)