like the chords played under this melody

1:07 a.m. x 2009-07-17

currently listening to: "heaven tonight" by hole

after a 90-minute conversation with gretchen over my feelings for mark and hers for various, i missed him a great deal more. i am cognizant of my wanting to be with him but rarely do i hear someone else expressing that kind of longing as ardently, particularly since my friends here are lucky enough to have their significant others at their disposal at all times and don't have to deal, necessarily, with the politics of rare encounters and precious time and how vulnerable it can feel. i am very grateful for gretchen for talking to me about that. and for helping me to feel that it's okay to approach love in a reckless-abandony way that isn't tentative or consciencious above all things. i don't have many voices around me that are un-neurotic enough to say "i don't care what happens i want to be with you".

i do feel like that about him. at the same time the future isn't something i get all up in arms about. it will happen no matter what and i can only know how i'd prefer it. that only makes me happy. i'm so happy to have those feelings for him, because he deserves them so much. he calls me every afternoon. we talk about films, books, writing, music - things i love sharing with him. i can't get over the songs he's written me! and how he cooks for me! and cares so much about how i feel! and he's so attractive! and brilliant! i want to furrow into his chest. promptly.

i need to go back up there.

(clearly: my period arrived last night! so begins another achingly horney, tension-ridden month without birth control - i need to figure out how to obtain birth control as cheaply as possible.)

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11