all this talk and no action's got me stiff from the tit to the bone

6:31 p.m. x 2009-07-23

currently listening to: "bank of boston beauty queen" by the dresden dolls

crashed bad last night. i was on the phone with mom until 4:30 in the morning. she was really great, really listened to me and said a lot of things i really needed to hear from her, about how much she believes in me and is committed to my happiness, how this isn't going to happen to me after this month, that i should approach august as my last gasp before plunging into making shit happen for me at all costs. over christmas we're going to figure out how to go about finding a job and getting me into the grad program of my choice. if i wind up in a bad way next summer, which i'm fucking determined not to, she says i'm going to stay in her apartment and we're going to work night and day for something i love to take off.

she told me how much her friends envy her for having a daughter like me. two of her best friends have sons my age who, in high school, got straight As and seemed to really excell, and now one is in a hospital somewhere and has spent the past five years not kicking junk very effectively, and the other is slumming at home, has failed out of three colleges and just this morning broke a set of dishes because his mother won't pay to set him up with an apartment in another state.

she made me feel much less of a deadbeat and even more excited about my skills, my personal resources - all the things i have that other people don't.

shelby called me earlier to cry to me about something up in her personal life, and she called me because she knew i wouldn't judge her and would really help. amanda just called to tell me she's passed seven rainbows on her way to maryland and it's either been "pretty rain or pretty mist" all the way down.

discouraging myself is stupid. i will get where i'm going.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11