3:28 a.m. x 2009-08-14
currently listening to: "big spender" by peggy lee
i woke up so late and watched "mad men" all day. last night i did not get to bed anywhere near when i wanted to because of going out and doing a bunch of things i should not have done anyway. i am ready to take long, eager strides away from my past. all of my relationships are dissatisfactory in their present state. things remaining the way they are won't strengthen any of them. i miss feeling that connected to them but now i don't and i can't force it.
it isn't that i feel they can't listen to me - i don't feel i truely do anything for them anymore, be it when i speak or listen or anything. none of our concerns match up, and i am feeling very vulnerable in mine.
stupid things are hurting me. things i wouldn't expect. it is funny to suddenly realize certain things meant more to me than i thought. not the things i would have figured. i saw jimmy and his new girlfriend - his new new girlfriend, the second one he's had since i've been with mark. it was not too difficult to see jimmy and in fact he handled it with tact. his girlfriend asked not only me but he and amanda all the most uproariously intrusive questions - amanda about her scars and her recent fallout with her best friend, me about mark and jimmy about why he and i broke up so many times. all these things met with uniform expressions of bafflement.
our song came on (mine and jimmy's) and we sang it. so, goodbye all of that. all of that. "what made this the final breakup, then?" she asked and finally got an in-unison "i don't want to talk about it" from both myself and jimmy.
it is all so firmly in the past. i am very through with wanting things that are so completely nonexistant. he does exactly what he would always do with me with her, i feel she's slipped into a slot i left empty - i am glad that with mark it is a completely seperate, different situation. i cannot just repeat steps or routines. it is a step away from this. i don't want to think about any of that anymore. that will never make me feel like it did again. it will always be a source of pain to try and force it to.
i have less than a week left now.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start