5:12 a.m. x 2009-08-18

currently listening to: "billie blue" by vermillion lies

about half-packed. i will need to bring my laptop here to mark's. i don't know what i'm going to do about my dvds. i feel like i'm bringing way too many books but that's because i know my dad will say something. my sister bought a shelving unit and i bought a little system of drawers when we both went away to school, and really she needs the drawers and i need the shelf space. i am hoping to convince her of that (she has so many clothes and i have so many books) but she's more pissed off than she ever is thinking. my mom is just not starting to get a little afraid of how angry my sister is. absolutely never happy.

my mom frets really openly about my sister being an accounting major, because she doesn't think that's her passion and the last thing she needs is to be made more miserable by uninformed life decisions. it makes me wonder what she would be happy doing. she plays sports. i would be inclined to conclude that if anyone else did something almost their entire life thusfar of their own volition that it makes them happy, but i don't know about her.

and she loves to talk about, ask me about, tell other people what i am doing. she always did, but much more emphatically now, which is very nice. i like knowing she feels i'm a good investment. i am looking forward to sorting out my college debt. i know that i will be paying for half of three years, whatever wasn't covered by grants. it will be very fulfilling to pay for school when i can, however i can.

i am trying right now not to sleep. it isn't hard now but whenever my mom wakes up, around eight or nine, i'm going to get coffee because i will be feeling it by then. i woke up at six in the evening today, so i'm putting a stop to this before i go to mark's. tomorrow i get a bank account back and whatever little things i need to go back to school.

i found a beautiful old bag/purse (too big to be a purse, but it's from the gap, i don't know what they meant it to be) i used to use as a bookbag. i forgot all about it. it's black tweed! and stunning! i love rediscovering things.

it is a bit late to be feeling this way but mark has had so many job interviews in the last two weeks and i am a little nervous that i will get there and he will get one and have to start full time immediately. i will be there nine days and it is expensive to get there. i'm feeling a little uneasy because of how he acted when i was there last, which was not about me but it still wasn't very nice for me to be there when he was acting like that. some things he's said. all of it bothers me because i haven't talked to him about it, because of how not-fond i am of phone conversations versus face-to-face ones when it comes to telling someone he/she hurt my feelings. i will have my laptop and anna karenina if i wind up stuck (i just finished part I and i would like to abandon all my other responsibilities to keep reading it!) but i sincerely hope i don't, that this will be a great, fun time. there is a bookstore and a cafe downtown there i really loved going to last time, and the library. he can't sit and read in public (what an affliction!) but i would spend all my time there if i was there. it is not a particularly attractive library, but it is well air conditioned and has a fantastic amount of books.

i get a little self conscious about how routine i can be. i am excited for and embrace any new opportunity i have to do something, but i also know what i enjoy and can do those things in perpetuity. writing, reading, consuming hot beverages (i am anticipating cider again), walking to do those things in interesting, well-lit places with open chairs. i like doing that alone but don't mind doing it with other people, i just get a little uneasy when they realize i like to do that all the time.

it is statistically more difficult to get into cornell, indiana or brown university for fiction than it is to get into harvard medical school.

NOW i'm tired! this is outrageous.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)