10:30 a.m. x 2009-09-30

currently listening to: "thirty whacks" by the dresden dolls

meeting with professor in a few minutes. warm hellos from all sorts of people. love in the time of cholera traumatizing in the best/worst way. mark and i are ending, i believe, mutually more or less. i wish it was different and he wishes it was different but i need support and he needs time alone.

i feel like a jenga set.

things will get better. this was a good move. i need to move away from this. it was a good thing. it needs to end before it becomes a bad thing. it got bad so rapidly. and it got so bad. we are not formally broken up but we should be. i told him to take time for himself and see how he feels and he is afraid of hurting me. he says he can't handle a relationship. so maybe we have broken up? maybe this will be wrapped up tonight. maybe he will call me and tell me and we will really speak. maybe we will go to the concert in november in ithaca and we will have so much careless ridiculous fun that we have sex. maybe we will never speak again and i will have to repurchase stories of god and "frisky dingo" and be stuck with this little book of poems forever.

my favorite thing left behind after a failed tryst was the satanic bible. i don't want to remember that particular boy with an object of his, but that's too perfect. i don't think that i have anything of mark's at all. i even have some of duff's belongings. tons and tons and tons from jimmy - sometimes i'm alarmed. nothing from mark. not even a response to my fucking letter.

terminating.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)