You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

currently listening to: "hotel after show" by queen adreena

i'm being fucking stupid. i am so discouraged. there is no need to be so discouraged. criticism recieved on my final draft of my first story was apt and tactfully put and the grade doesn't even count but it isn't the grade i wanted, isn't the grade i am capable of. another "ego" comment, though he swiftly ammended it by adding praise. i should not need any of it I SHOULD KNOW and i should not be in a relationship with someone to whom i cannot speak to about this, to cry about this, to snap myself out of this knowing even before i cry that i ought not to be crying but HELL IF I HAVE A SIGNIFICANT OTHER why not? why not show him that intimacy? he is not capable of that intimacy which i need. i do not have what i need. i need to get up and go this is over. this is not helping me. i am not justifying it in such a way as "if i was not dealing with this i would have gotten a better grade" but all i need perhaps is to have a little say in something. i have an awful fucking lot of say in my personal relationships. this IS distorting my sense of human interaction, stunting it, backing it up to a place i moved past even with jimmy at his worst and me insulating myself in that relationship which happened but was brief. this is worse. this is bad. that this is coming at such unrelenting speed after something unrelated SHOULD BE AN INDICATION.

it is not the criticism. i am discouraged because why have i not all ready internalized this criticism why do i need it again why do some things stick to the insides and others don't, why what does does, why do i meet these people and why do i spend so much time excavating those motives. i have reevaluated how i spend my time and i need to do it again now that i can do it i need to do it again whatever it takes i have the time and this is all the time i have is it what i want yes can i do it yes do it then shut up and write.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)