shake your fist at the gate

2:40 a.m. x 2009-10-30

currently listening to: "10,000 days (wings pt. II)" by tool

crying often about things that are not only very over, but over for a reason and by my own willful doing - still sad, all the same. but i am disproportionately upset. the person she might have been to me if we'd met at a different time - a MONTH's difference, even. the relationship i could be in if i'd handled things differently. vivid and beautiful times.

i am having a vivid and beautiful time now, but not giving myself up to it in typical mood-disordered, reckless abandon-esque fashion. not necessarily bad but definitely different. i read a mediocre "write like the masters" instructional book at the bookstore today and did come across a remark about salinger that i found singularly relevant, about his regrets never having addressed what was important for him to confront in his fiction, personally: his poor relationship with his father, his feelings about WWII (though that does peek out). what is important for me to confront is clapping up on my weary, overworked shores of perception and I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE THE TIME TO HANDLE IT ALL.

i am now rewriting my fifteen page short story - not from scratch, but in order to translate some lengthy explanation to action. still exhausting. this morning gretchen and i led workshop, guiding our peerlings and underlings in the reading of two short stories out of the pushcart. everybody talked up a storm, everybody was comfortable and happy and excited. it was the greatest feeling. it does not cross my mind very often that it would be a good thing - teaching. my professor says (said last year, way before this) i would make a very good teacher. it was the communicating that was great, and that i could see the other people in the class were getting something out of it. i think, even if gretchen and i did not lead discussion necessarily, all discussion of the text ought to be done with as little of the professor as possible. he stepped in today only to close discussions and develop further relevant (but all ready recognized) points. i think that was very beneficial, and that now i need to fall asleep.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11