6:15 p.m. x 2009-11-10
currently listening to: "the day i tried to live" by soundgarden
i'm applying for a grant. the small press i work for has lost its laser printer access. all we need is a laser printer. I AM GOING TO GET US A LASER PRINTER. either by grant, fundraiser - anything. i found one for under $200 - i could get $200. i'm going to. i'm very upset that my boss was so upset. he's absolutely amazing.
short story done. handed in. professor had us write on the back of them what we were most proud of, which was trippy and manipulative. individual meetings next week. sick about it. now, ahead: eight page paper. ten page paper. finish rabbit, run and write a two page paper about it. finish the poisonwood bible and write a two page paper about it. finish the sound & the fury (!!!!!). IF I DID NOT GET AN A ON MY TEST IN AMERICAN LIT (which i get back tomorrow) SO HELP ME -
i hate being like this. i hate what my professor thinks of me/what he wants me to think he thinks of me, that i have an ego to get rid of - the second i start to TRY like i have never tried at anything before ever in my life this matters to me this matters so much to me then ALL THE SUDDEN my ego is a problem. it is hampering my development. i am showing off. i am overriding the other students who are not talking, who are exhausted and don't give a shit, who don't try like i want to try and it feels GOOD to TRY to CARE ABOUT WHAT I DO AND HOW I DO IT i feel now like when i speak he doesn't WANT ME TO. FUCK IT. I AM NOT IN CLASS FOR HIM. I AM LEAVING WITH THIS DEGREE. and when i am up all night writingwritingwriting and editing until my eyes bleed i have no one 85% of the time i have NO ONE to tell me i'm doing any kind of a good job, that i am doing anything but wasting time, not looking for a job and not cleaning, i am not applauded or congratulated for my effort MUCH LESS THE PRODUCT.
i don't do this for anyone else but - to an extent, me, but THE FUCKING WORK. i do it for the story.
i'm so tired. i am going to bed by seven tonight. this has been a hard day. i'm so upset about the press. it will be okay but that was not fair to my boss. i have proofs to examine for my other amazing boss and i will do that tonight so he can have them tomorrow. i all ready found errors - what a good feeling!
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start