waking up as i'm torn from my bed

11:36 p.m. x 2010-01-04

currently listening to: "scabs on this year" by loch lomond

i went to download all the new stuff by the builders and the butchers and found they released a split 12" with a band called loch lomond. i downloaded the song "scabs on this year" and i cannot get over it. mmmm. that was a lovely surprise today, which was extremely welcome.

yesterday my mom and i got soup and went to the bookstore to bid her vacation adieu. then i went out with amanda for a few hours and had an incredible time. i was able to tell her i worry about her in a way that wasn't abrasive and condescending. we had greek salad. there is a new waitress at the diner and she's awful!

right after that, the girl from school who'd taken me aside and cried and told me all about her very terrible home life the one afternoon called me and talked to me for four hours. it was bad. she is much more severely disturbed than i knew, and there is another girl at school who is reading all these crackpot religious things into her problems. it skeezed me out to hear. "skeezed" is the only word to describe the sharp but shallow internal gnashings which i suffered listening to what this girl's been told what she is experiencing is. her mother's a wicked fucking loon. her father should be incarcerated. and this other girl she's been confiding in is pawning accountability off on the supernatural. this girl dissociates and does not trust her body. she is in pieces. she needs a slick fucking professional and she's put all her eggs in this whackjob and - because it wasn't necessary that she know, i didn't express it in our conversation - i am quite upset about that. but the girl is in therapy and is actively confronting her negative coping mechanisms (the whole spectrum of self-harm). that's good.

they have four levels of german at the community college. i will take each one in the coming year! i'll be proficient in another language yet! i will do that, work myself into obvlivion on journal submissions, and WORK in an atmosphere i genuinely enjoy doing something i could easily do for a year if not more! but not more, i endeavor, because the goal is grad school.

also, i have been having incredibly vivid sexual dreams about a professor at school. i've never had a class of his, but we know each other and once he ran across a street downtown to say hi to me! we met and hit it off because we like all the same films. he posted a picture of himself when he was my age on facebook and it got me thinking.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11