repulsion

9:25 p.m. x 2010-11-16

currently listening to: "softer, softest" by hole

i am working on a new thing and getting into it and a few things won't stop bothering me. 1) i have felt sick all day; 2) (and this is really it) this sunday i am invited to a dinner by coworkers, one being sara who is my best-work-friend now that sam is gone, who is truly wonderful and we have been endeavoring to hang out outside work for ages, and the other is another girl who has worked there before, left and returned for holiday help and they have known each for some time. this girl is getting married and her fiance comes in often with his brother and father. the brother, as it happens, is fond enough of me for the fact to be circulated in whispers. this girl and sara and i were animatedly talking about dinner and drinking and getting giddy and i was so touched and happy to be so well liked and i went back to work then and sara took me aside and said, this dinner is a conciet to get him to talk to you. ugh. and that wasn't what really bent me out of shape - sara twisted the girl's arm to get it to be a dinner where sara could come too so i'd not be alone, the girl could quit probing the issue, a good time has a chance at being had, because apparently this girl just kept saying, "why can't she (being i) just ask him out?"

because she knows i'm single.

good fucking god.

i'm single because i broke up with my ex boyfriend and i refused the advances of another. i'm single because i'm about to go to graduate school and upend myself. i'm single because THERE IS NO ONE I KNOW THAT I WANT TO DATE. and i am the happiest i've ever been right now. i have what fulfills me at my constant disposal. i have some money. i have nothing but exciting and glorious possibilities.

ick, ick, ick.

"why can't she just ask him out?" - ?!!! i never would have known he was even interested in me to such a degree if i was not tipped off. and i have no business asking out AS I AM A LADY. AND I HAVE DONE THE ASKING OUT! it's not my turn! i am repulsed with this girl now. she also asked what i would like for dinner, if i have any food aversions, and i explained - no meat, no dairy, no heavy bread. i didn't even leave it like that, i went further - i will eat fish, i love vegetables and rice noodles and salads are a great bet. she was completely bewildered. i turned it into a kind of "well if i am a giant hassle why do you want any such thing to do with me?" and it all discourages me. i like having friends and doing things with friends but WHAT.

oh well. i want to be polite, but all i want is to drink with sara. i am quite confident i will effectively communicate the conditions of my presence.

it does all make me miss D, though. i just haven't worked with him much. whenever i do see him it is nice and fun. i want a boy i get so much enjoyment out of just spending time with him - less than that and it's a waste.

none of it's anything, though. i am just off today. feeling sick on my day off with so much to do. i almost slept until five. eesh.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11