6:31 p.m. x 2002-10-25

i rented *donnie darko* yesterday and was up till 1:30 watching it, wherein i began to sob uncontrollably until 3:15.

and i could'nt breathe...which wasn't very good. nope, not good at all *shakes her head*. i was ghasping for air in my dark little room writing BAD GOTH POETRY and wallowing in a little puddle of self-pity about how i'll never make anyone happy.

getting pleasure from saving people from suicide does the same thing as killing them, it makes you feel like god. then you get addicted to it and you feel useless and bad otherwise.

i feel useless and bad, like dead-weight, to all my friends, and the last thing i want to do is make them sad or make them hate me -_-.

i'm gonna cry again...!!! NOOO...

i bought *prozac nation* today, hoping it'd make me feel better @_@ i feel sad yeah but i'm not depressed and never have been chronically so - so reading things about depressed people make me feel happier, oddly enough.

yeah i know - i'm a freak. go on and say it @_@. whoa i still cannot breathe...i saw a guy in hot topic today that i would've probably died and gone to heaven for last year...i miss that, getting crushes on people.

i think the reason i'm sad isn't because i don't have a special person, it's that i'm nobody's special person.

more later, my chest hurts T__T.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)