i've come to hate my body and all that it requires in this world

5:23 p.m. x 2002-11-24

song of the day: *candy says* by the velvet underground

i just jumped around my room listening to nirvana. i headbanged. i never headbang. it just felt relieving.

it was really scary though, i'm fat and the room shook a bit on the bass parts.

T__T i wish i were not so much thinner as i'd rather be a tiny bit taller and better porportioned. as of right now EVERYTHING is in my chest and my ass and it looks really bad. really bad.

on top of that there's something else so twisted about my perception of self that i won't even trouble you the reader by including it in here T__T.


i fucking hate school.

i'm better than most of these people at what i want to do in life and i feel like i'm wasting a lot more time sitting on my ass and falling asleep than i do at home writing a song and drawing portraites. that, to me, is a lot more productive.

*blech* - jesus, it's getting so that i can't even watch vh1 anymore. i don't want to be sexy like madonna or these girls - that's not sexy to me. i don't feel sexy doing what they're doing. guy rockers to me are sexy, the "guy way" of rock is a lot more interesting to me than the "girl way". of course my favorite male artists are outnumbered by girls 3-to-1, but that's because i don't base music on sex appeal.

*le sigh*

i'd like to wake up one morning and be pelle ahlqvist or something and spend a day feeling like i have the freedom and the right to feel cocky and sexy and all that good stuff that i try and pretend to feel.

damn it. let's all be "its", built like barbies, give or take the breasts.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11