6:18 p.m. x 2002-12-24
the following people can have a very merry xmas ^-^ and everyone else can go away...
merry xmas amanda from squeaky and twiggy!
merry xmas sara from jesse bradford and avril levigne!
merry xmas tweak from fred and bus boy!
merry xmas jaypea from cher and betsy!
merry xmas rachel from james hetfield and johnny knoxville!
merry xmas brittany from benji and hootler!
merry xmas snicky from sooper snicks and bob's screen cleaner!
merry xmas alex from the closet monster and the furries!
merry xmas marissa from tristan and the yellow submarine!
merry xmas becky from snickerdoodles and shannon!
merry xmas natalie from the hobbit and kurt cobain!
merry xmas gimpy from ryan's ass!
merry xmas jason from the lesbians and birds of the world!
merry xmas ryan from angus and mr. puddums! *dramatic pose* angus sends his love!
and now for your xmas-ee entertainment...
...rachel vs. santa!rachel: hi
santa: ho! ho! ho! merry christmas! i'm here on aol! :-) everything we talk about here is between you and me! if you want to know more, you can type "privacy". so, have you been naughty or nice?
rachel: naughty
santa: oh my! well, there is always time left to get on my good list. ;-) why don't you tell me how old you are and we'll get started.
rachel: 17 (editor's note she's really fourteen)
santa: a teenager, huh? well please don't ask me for a car yet! ;-) if you'd like to tell me what you want for christmas, just type, "ask santa" and click the "send" button.
rachel: ask satan
santa: if you want to try something else, you can take a sneak-peek at the to-do list the elves have left for me by typing, well, "to do". ;-)
rachel: ask santa
santa: o.k. let's focus on one wish at a time! i'm getting a little slower as i get older. so, what is the first gift you'd like from santa?
rachel: sean
santa: you can ask me all about that after you tell me what you want for christmas! :-) so, what is at the top of your list?
rachel: MY COWBOY
santa: ho ho ho! :-) all right, that's plenty of wishes. why don't you type, "song poll" and vote for your favorite holiday song.
rachel: i want a dildo
santa: oh dear. i just get so depressed when i hear that kind of talk. the English language used to be one of my favorites. a lump of coal for you.
rachel: all i said was dildo
santa: my goodness. you've earned another lump of coal. i'm sorry but this is the last warning and lump of coal i can promise you. any more cursing and i'll have to stop talking to you. please, type "to do"; let's try to get in the christmas spirit.
rachel:you're retarded
santa: have you made any christmas cookies yet? i'm known to be partial to them. :-D if you need a little help getting started, type "recipes".
rachel: can i get my tongue pierced?
santa: excuse me?
rachel: can i get my tongue pierced?
santa: alright now. i'm here to spread christmas cheer -- so use this time wisely and type carefully. ;-) here's quick way to get in the christmas spirit; type, "to do".
rachel: you suck.
santa: whoa ho! ho! now, there's no reason for that language, i am doing the best i can.
rachel: i'm not a ho!
santa: pardon me?
rachel: you called me a ho!
santa: oh my, i have absolutely no idea what you just said. if you type "to do" i can show you 10 easy steps to getting in the holiday spirit.
rachel: jingle bells
santa: jingle all the way!
rachel: oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
santa: my goodness. what, what?
rachel: oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
santa: hmm...what, what?
rachel: I'M SINGING!
santa: ah -- you've got me again. why don't you type "to do", it's time to get you in the holiday spirit!
rachel: SING BACK!
santa: though i speak every language in the world -- i cannot quite make out what you are trying to say. why not take this pause and send a holiday greeting; type "holiday cards"
rachel: grrr
santa: hmm. i'm not really sure what you're after there. the elves don't get it either. ;-) speaking of elves, why not ask me about them?
rachel: i murdered all of your elves...they were watching me in the shower...again...
santa: here's something you should know about elves; they call a couple of times a year and check in to see how you're doing.
rachel: yeah i know, little perverts
santa: :-D
rachel: you're a dirty old man!
santa: well, i've been around the world almost 1800 times but i've never seen something phrased quite like that before. take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. o.k.?
rachel: can i have a pony?
santa: is that all, now? ;-) type, 'ask santa' and tell me all of your wishes!
rachel: ask santa
santa: ho ho ho! you again! ;-) well, tell me what else you would like and when we are finished, type 'to do' for a list of that things the elves have left us!
rachel: i want my ex-boyfriend back!
santa: well, we don't make soul mates here at the workshop. part of life's challenge is for you to find love for yourself. ;-) is there anything else you would like?
rachel: please...
santa: ;-) what would your final christmas wish be?
rachel: to have sean come back. i know i havent been the great this year but PLEASE...i've waited three years!
santa: ho ho ho! :-) o.k. that's quite a list! why don't you type, "song poll" and vote for your favorite holiday song.
rachel: if only you were real
santa: if you want to try something else, you can take a sneak-peek at the to-do list the elves have left for me by typing, well, "to do". ;-)
rachel: ...no...
santa: hi! elves here! :-D santa is listening to other children's wishes now. you can jump back in line by typing. 'ask santa'. or just type, 'to do' for our christmas to-do list! merry christmas!
rachel: i thought i killed you bastards
santa: hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.
rachel: STAY OUT OF MY BATHROOM!
santa: i'm sorry? i'm new to this whole IM thing. :-D
rachel: go smoke a blunt and put santa back on
santa: oh, dear. it's the elves again isn't it? try typing "to do"; i've got a plan to get you in the christmas spirit.
rachel: can i wish for the lead singer of crazy town?!
santa: wait, i was dancing to 'santa claus is coming to town' and got a little carried away. why don't you type, "hear music" and sing along.
rachel: or metallica...?
santa: o.k. now, the folks at aol are trying to help me out but i just cannot make any sense of that. tell you what, type, "to do". christmas spirit in 10 easy steps.
rachel: a 1986 ford bronco?
santa: hmm. why don't you type, "hear music", maybe some music will put you in the christmas spirit :-)
rachel: RYAN
santa: i'm sorry, i missed that. the elves are just overrunning me with questions. and speaking of elves, i'm sure they wouldn't mind if you asked me about them.
rachel: kill the elves
santa: remember to be good; you never know when an elf is around!
rachel: i eat elves
santa: the elves help me keep track of who's naughty and who's nice. i'm sure you are being nice!
rachel:*strangles an elves* they rule with the underwear gnomes!
santa: so, my little one, i expect you will be an angel this christmas!
rachel: i'm satan
santa: excuse me?
rachel: satan
santa: wait, i was dancing to 'santa claus is coming to town' and got a little carried away. why don't you type, "hear music" and sing along.
rachel: he's my boyfriend
santa: oh, dear. it's the elves again isn't it? try typing "to do"; i've got a plan to get you in the christmas spirit.
rachel: subway!
santa: hmm. why don't you type, "hear music", maybe some music will put you in the christmas spirit :-)
rachel: can i please have sean?
santa: my goodness! =-O do you really now? well, you can always type, 'ask santa' and i'll be happy to listen to all of your wishes!
rachel: ask santa
santa: ho ho ho! back for more? ;-) what else tops your list for christmas?
rachel: all i wunt for christmas is sean!
santa: what else is at the top of your list?
rachel: cowboy
santa: what would your final christmas wish be?
rachel: shipley
santa: ho ho ho! :-) o.k. that's plenty, why don't you type, "song poll" and vote for your favorite holiday song.
rachel: bring him home
santa: if you want to try something else, you can take a sneak-peek at the to-do list the elves have left for me by typing, well, "to do". ;-)
rachel: ask satan
santa: have you made any christmas cookies yet? i'm known to be partial to them. :-D if you need a little help getting started, type "recipes".
rachel: ask santa
santa: ho ho ho! you again! ;-) well, tell me what else you would like and when we are finished, type 'to do' for a list of that things the elves have left us!
rachel: bring him home...
santa: i'm sure that would make you look stunning! :-D so, is there anything else?
rachel: please
santa: so what would your final christmas wish be?
rachel: a 24 pack of beer
santa: ho ho ho! :-) all right, that gives me lots to go on! why don't you type, "song poll" and vote for your favorite holiday song.
rachel: SEAN
santa: if you want to try something else, you can take a sneak-peek at the to-do list the elves have left for me by typing, well, "to do". ;-)
rachel: i'm going to shove a dildo up your ass for not being real...
santa: hmm. i'm afraid that kind of language won't get you into the nice column with me. that's a lump of coal for you.
rachel: kidney stones aren't caol sweety
santa: wonderful! now we are getting somewhere.
rachel: hooters?
santa: i'm sorry? i'm new to this whole IM thing. :-D
rachel: shit
santa: now, that's not necessary. just have a little patience and ask me another way.
rachel: please bring sean home to me
santa: well, i've been around the world almost 1800 times but i've never seen something phrased quite like that before. take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. o.k.?
rachel: oh fuck off
santa: i'm only asking you to ask me another way. no need to get so testy.
rachel: grrr
santa: oh my, i have absolutely no idea what you just said. if you type "to do" i can show you 10 easy steps to getting in the holiday spirit.
rachel: asshole
santa: please, i despise that kind of language. i'm just asking you to have a little patience and ask me another way. i'm talking to thousands of boys and girls and their parents here at the same time. it's not so easy! ;-)
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)