futility, numbness, chloŽ sevigny, and other big, sad-sounding words

3:36 p.m. x 2003-01-04

many times i sit down and think to myself "why are you doing this? why bother with it?" - like when i tell my friend for the millionth time it's okay that she's ranting to me about the same desperate subject, or when i still talk and smile at the person who brutaly hurt my feelings the day before. why am i so intent on not fighting and keeping up the facade of happiness? why not just kick and scream and get it over with and dispell all the people i hate from my life?

i think i'd be alone, then.

not alone alone - some people would remain. i'm not going to jinx myself by specifically stating who i love and trust that much though. a lot of people have this site's address and even keeping that in mind i do really let a helluva lot go in here, because i have real "nothing is sacred" mentality, so it doesn't bother me too much to think so-and-so knows i had a bad day or this happened or whatever. BUT - i don't think i'd ever specifically state who i trust, because all of my friendships are built around "you can trust me" and so they can automatically assume i trust them.

i don't. not always.

and there are people that i just met, and i trust them more than i do someone i've known waaay longer. christ...ijust need a break from people. a break that is not a vacation and that is not just holing up in the room for a few days. i need a genuine fucking escape from this place and these people and i need to come back (if i do) feeling like i used to.

*phew* okay - i'm done, i promise.

entertainment weekly has given chicago an "A-"

that does look good to me though, even though renee zellweger's in it and i don't particularly care for her. as far as actresses i do like - thora birch was in a movie last year called the hole that i want to see. it was out in canada last i checked, i have to look again...damn my miniscule blockbuster that never has ANYTHING...

or no, wait. they have nearly ever gay british movie i've ever seen on amazon. one day - swear to god - they just appeared out of nowhere to the delight of the somewhat-bare drama shelf. very, very strange. it just recently dawned on me that there's an international section (thanks to my years as an otaku i'm well-equiped with subtitle-reading skills), alas - my favorite section is never availible. the sundance selections - they're always fluffin out...argh.

*squirms of uncomfortability* - nicole kidman is staring at me. i'd really like to see her in the hours. good christ, movies are finally starting to come out that i'd like to see. i spent all summer curled into my room watching rosemary's baby and the omen because there was nothing playing at the theatre. and of course, following my binge at suncoast for viewing material, the film industry finally begins to make things at k@ri's level (black comedies, strange dramas, and things like moulin rouge).

now if only dennis cooper would write a screenplay for harmony korine to direct and jake gyllenhaal and thora birch to star in. harmony korine does this wonderful thing with music in his movies...like in gummo i think the last thing you'd expect him to use in any scene is crying by roy orbison (which is also in mulholland drive, albeit sung in spanish acapella by rebekah del rio and redubbed llorando, i LOVE that song).

YESSS!!! chloŽ sevigny is going to be gitsie in party monster!!! i cannot WAIT until that movie comes out...*dies of excitement*. she has great taste in movies so this one has to kick ass.

well - i'm off for now, au revoir!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
© KL 02-11