8:19 p.m. x 2003-01-11
i've just finished watching the good girl
with my mom, and for some fuzzy, unknown reason it's effected me quite deeply. specifically the character of holden (pauses to reflect on the lovely performance by jake gyllenhall - *yay for my favorite actor!*). it made me think - i know people like that. that's everyone i know. all my friends are holdens except for maybe two. i know so many people who are that fargone, and i know i'm going to lose them before i lose other people, maybe people that mean less to me. maybe it really would be getting something out of the way.
but wow - it made me really look at the obvious: i am friends with a bunch of people who i might be dead tomorrow. and they don't even care. on monday i could wake up, and go to school, and rachel won't be there because she's taken all these painkillers and carved SEAN into her arm, sprawled out on her bed in a picturesque, marilyn monroe pose. or brittany's slumped into a corner of her bathroom in two perfect little puddles of blood, staring forewards and unblinking. or jaypea's finally decided it isn't worth it and nobody likes him and goes to get high, then gets into an accident like the one we were almost in leaving my house the one day.
what if i wake up and i'm alone?
i'm not scared, though. i'm not scared about waking up alone, and everything i just wrote...none of it made me cry. i've sat down and balled about that before, it's just now coming to me that this...is just something that will happen and there's no use in blaming myself. and so, i think i'm going to try harder to stop now. because even if they didn't love me, i love them.
i love them and that's what should matter. and so that's what i'll think about from now on, about how much i love them and not about how much i'll miss them when they're gone.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start