4:46 p.m. x 2003-01-25
slow slow saturday. i made my rounds at the bookstore and failed to appropriately bother a clerk for the book i'm looking for (grapefruit
by yoko ono) but did walk away with lennon remembers
by jann s. wenner and ken kesey's one flew over the cuckoo's nest
. joined more cliques (like i really needed
to) and peeked in at the diary de snickers (I WANT A COPY OF YOUR SENIOR PICTURE T__T!!!). all in all - for me, it's been an eventful day.
ooo ooo - and i re-watched the e! true hollywood stories of mama cass (died of fat-ness) and karen carpenter (died of thin-ness). it struck me while watching the latter last night that karen looked a bit like george harrison in drag. when thoughts like that start occurring it means insomnia's finally started killing brain cells...so i went to sleep -_- i need to get better aquianted with my pillow.
aaanyhoo - about today's "short description". my dad's comment about my weight last night did indeed really piff me, but it's not going to lower my self-image. PERSONALLY, i think i'm pretty. i don't look like j.lo or anna kornekova, but then again, i don't think either of them are especially cute @_@.
let me allow the holy miss jessicka to explain...:
"first let me say i am a zaffig cherub and proud of it. zatfig: a woman having a full rounded figure, pleasingly plump. cherub: a: a usually winged child in painting and sculpture b: an innocent-looking ususally chubby and rosy person. that means in realistic terms i am not thin nor at this point in my life ever expect to be. i have big tits and a big ass; i am not ashamed and don't mind being called fat by idiots who revel in the shallow vanity - sometimes i am comfortable in my own skin and sometimes i am not, i think that's natural. i DO mind being called stupid, generic, insensitive, uncreative and fake. i was having the same issues when my manager was trying to sell the last JOJ record to majors. "if she could just lose thirty pounds" they said "what a pretty girl but she needs to go on a little diet" they droned. i don't know why but for a second i even thought about it, but then came to my senses and said "fuck off - i'm a zaftig cherub!" i am who i am, what the hell is wrong with that? i know that this is the entertainment business, but by losing weight am i still my own artist or a marketable commodity for the male white corporate machine? would i ever be thin enough? it might even make sense if it wasn't a complete double standard in the music industry as i watch countless overweight MALE rap*e* rockers in baggy clothes on mtv. why are men in rock allowed to be pleasingly plump??? so that whole "ROCKSTARS HAVE TO BE THIN I'M AFRAID" is bullshit. does this mean that women who are overweight are not talented? being a believer that art and beauty come in all shapes and sizes, nothing about any of that sits right with me. i think it soured me to major labels who at this time are predominately run by men looking for a girl they'd like to fuck rather than any female artist with substance. oh and let me tell you - i've got plenty of substance and by substance if that means i have a big ass then so be it. if the only flaw that people can find is my weight and the only dispersions that they can cast upon me are "oh she's fat" and "jessicka's not a thin girl", i'm all for it. my size doesn't make me any less creative or any less of an artist."
i'm a curvy, smart, opinionated blonde and yes that IS scary but i'm also a nice, creative, well-meaning individual and i have FEELINGS you FUCKASS!
argh.no i'm not this crazy
and i can't have fun
makes me feel like nothing
am i just that dumb
no you're not so crazy
does this feel like fun
if you can't feel something
then you're just that dumb
- scarling., can't (halloween valentine)
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start