i live my life in ruins

9:16 p.m. x 2003-02-05

do i let it spoil everything that was nice about the week...?

strike #1: the drug bust

strike #2: the fist fight

strike #3: the death threat

i still love you, you know who you are.
and if they send you away i'll come get you.

GOD...the office is out to riddle my sanity full of bullets and looming threat. let me tell you all, the hard-working indigenous people of d.land, what kind of assholes govern my highschool. a while back, a few of my close friends were involved in a drug bust and the main offeder was jason. i was already worried about his drug usage (he being vaguely...dumb) and had cried in the guidance's office about it. know why? HE'S MY FRIEND! I DON'T WANT HIM TO DO ANYTHING STUPID! I DON'T WANT ANY OF MY FRIENDS TO DO STUPID THINGS AND FUCK UP THEIR LIVES! I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY EVEN WHEN THEY'RE ALL HELL BENT ON KILLING THEMSELVES!!! and what did the office think? my name came up at his hearing and the office representative called me a fucking psycho.

i am a fucking psycho because i actually gave a shit about him. i'm a fucking psycho because i care about what happens to my friends and if one of them is sitting on the bathroom floor in a pool of their own blood I CARE AND I DON'T WANT THEM TO DO IT.

even when they never call me and tell me i'll always be a virgin and they don't even seem to like me anymore. YOU GET ME - YOU ARE STUCK WITH ME FOREVER AND EVER AND WHEN YOU GO TO SHOOT YOURSELF THERE'LL BE SOMEONE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR FUCKING GUN BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TOO GODDAMN MUCH.

i'll never kill myself because if i did, i'd never roll out of my little white bed on saturday to see how long it is until amanda comes to get me and we go to the mall. i'd never stay up talking to rachel when i should be workig. i'd never have another in-joke with brittany. i'd never hug sara. i'd never have conversations in vague, distorted french with tweak. i'd never sit and listen to jaypea sing. ever. ever. again. i would NEVER do that willingly knowing i'd miss all this.

but then...they don't seem to mind if they never saw me again.
suicide is not a one-person thing.
the "self" in self-destruction is completely misleading.

all the lilies bloomed and blossomed
wilted and they're shivering
i can't stop their withering

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11