9:45 p.m. x 2003-03-22

tonight, as i went to the little dance-thing, i watched my friends ashley and tiff go in. i sat in the car ready to hop out and wave when suddenly a wave of fear washed over my little (@_@) body. it wasn't the fear of going into the party full of strange people. it wasn't the fear of the smell of drugs. hell it wasn't even the fear of rap music...i'm just afraid of being ditched.

now one has to see the absurdity in that statement @_@. i'm sure they had no intent to ditch me at all. in fact i technically did the ditching here. i was the ditcher and they were the ditchees. BUT...it's just the fear of being walked away from. just the idea of it. i really want to discuss that with my therapist. i mean, if you've had three people who were close to you threaten to kill themselves directly to you and then, aside from that, be ditched and ignored in countless social situations, you'd be slightly disturbed as well.

all apologies to ashley and tiff, though...i'm making tiff a card for her birthday ^-^ so i'm redeeming myself a little bit.

on a very "yay" note; my mother has said that if i give her my speech on the west memphis 3 and it's really good and convincing, she'll let me donate money to their defense fund. i'm quite pleased ^-^ (WOOOOOO!). also, i bought devil's knot and the perks of being a wallflower today. so as i'm going to go skim through these, i'll leave you with a poem-thing by damien echols.

i want to be in the middle
in neither the black nor the white
in neither the wrong nor the right
to stand right on the line
to be able to go to either side with a moment's notice
i've always been in the black, in the wrong
i tried to get into the white
but i almost destroyed it
because the black tried to follow me
this time i won't let it
i will be in the middle

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11