it's not going to stop

1:52 p.m. x 2003-06-02

today was...weird, there aren't too many an adjective to describe my day except that it was bizarre in that way that has you longing for a straigh-up bad day. or better yet - a nice day, but you know that's asking too much.

my day began with waking too early and sleeping in too late, only to find myself scrambling around doing everything half-prepared. i looked terrible -_- and felt worse after getting ditched by my mom and having to run (size D38s do not run - they BOUNCE and it HURTS!) to the stupid stupid bus. my first two periods didn't go too badly...i had fun with josh in bio...i don't know what made resource suck but it did...then lunch was terrible.

there is a pinching little pain in my insides, and my failed surgery can account for that, but after lunch, i kept hearing a sentence over and over in my head that seemed to worsten the pain more and more each time. a deep, violent wave of guilt and "YOUR FAULT!" that i've generally become accustomed to...scratch that, i'll never get used to that, it's just become habitual...but lately it's been worse.

listening to "cinnamon spider" on the way home made me feel better though ^-^ and tonight i'm going to curl up in my room and listen to "sexless demons and scars" on repeat for a looong tiiime...because as astounding as "clear hearts" is, i can connect to what that record is perfectly; really happy-sounding when it really isn't.

i'm going to send jessicka a fuckload of birthday gifts this year...i feel indebted all of the sudden. when a person makes me feel that good i won't rest until i make them feel better. this would, of course, involve me buying something far out of my price range...such as an indentured midget servent or robert smith's boxers...but i'm sure i'll find a way.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11