You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

my days have all blurred together in one sucky fog of mood swinging horror. i don't want to go into detailes because the last thing i mean to do is offend people, and lately some people have had the biggest problems with me. let us say there is a common mentality amongst some of those whome i know who think "hey - i'm the messed up one, not you", and while i was there every time they sniffled a little, i get no sympathy.

such is the life of the doormat amongst the suicidal.

but even after today (yes, the outing with clare & amanda b. was fun - but the rest of my day kind of bordered on massive 'yuck'), and i was quite tired and prepared to cry, i decided to take a bath instead. i stepped into the bathroom & ran the water and took my things off, and while i was undoing my hair i just kind of stopped and thought - "hey, i don't mind my body. in fact, i'm cute." i said it a few times to myself, and resolved that at least it was nice that i was comfortable with me. even with all the terrible issues my body has brewing internally...i'm glad i'm me and not anybody else.

even when i feel really terrible and guilty and think i'm a horrible person, i wouldn't like being anyone else. i like being the one who gets asked "how does it feel to be so talented?" and told "i wish i had your ____" (that's usually a personal trait @_@ but ah well) and "i love you" on a daily basis. i wouldn't want another life - i really love mine.

*phew*...i needed to be able to say that...

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)