10:24 p.m. x 2003-06-19
today wasn't even terribly stressful, you know...in fact i had a lovely day today, despite the fact that it began at 5 'o' clock in the afternoon. i went out and got a scrapbook and a book of poetry by anne sexton and had a coffee and watched "lovely and amazing" with my mom and her best friend and had an altogether nice day.
WHY, then, do i feel like SCREAMING??? i'm not upset about anything that happened today and it was all perfectly lovely but...i don't know. i've felt weird lately. i finally started using a sketchbook i bought forever ago for poetry & lyrics and i'm kind of starting to...i don't know, scare myself. like there are some feelings i don't want to see but i've been having to deal with them lately. and i've been quite sad...which nobody seems to give a SHIT about...
AAAAAAAGH!!!!! i don't know what's WRONG with me!!! seriously though...nothing in my life has even been particularly bad...when bad things do happen, sometimes i don't even notice because i feel so content. i'm usually okay. i think, though...i'm sick of listening and being the happy one and the one who shoves aside her own problems to deal with other people.
i can hardly handle how bad i feel - it's like having a big bag of groceries you're trying to carry and things keep falling out of the top and spilling and you bend over to get them and they spill more. if something upsets me even a little, like the thing that sam said...normally i don't think that'd get to me that bad...suddenly it just sets off this long list of insecurities and stressors and i almost started to cry at the party...i think i would have had i not been heavily sedated at the time (that whole night is very blurry now).
UGH, it's so...weird...i don't know what this is! it's just a weird feeling in my chest, for the most part. and everything feels kind of blurry and weighed down in my brain, like i'm under water. i suppose it doesn't help that i've bee abusing my head with a hot curling iron all day, either. and now i'm wearing pigtails...oi...
normally i'd say "i just want this to stop", and i do now too - but i also want to know why i feel like i do so it can stop happening all together, not just now.
*huggles* - evening, everyone.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start