incessant confusion button OFF

8:59 p.m. x 2003-06-26

i'm looking to have a better summer than it has been thusfar. today wasn't bad at all, which is why i'm saying...i'd like summer to continue with more nice days like this. visiting with one of my best friends, reading requiem for a dream (finished rabbit!) and watching strange little movies (i was surprised by "punch drunk love" - not bad at all, i'm making my mother watch it right now).

i just want a nice summer. i want to not feel like i did all school year...i can't even describe how i was feeling, i mean hell i had a small breakdown at a pizza parlor when nothing particularly bad was happening. i just felt a wave of ugly reality going crash and saying "why are you here? who wants you to be here?" over and over and over and i was sitting between two tables of some of my best friends and/or trusted aquaintances. i've never even had aquaintances before, much less trusted them. and i felt - out of nowhere - like they couldn't possibly want me there. that i should be alone somewhere thinking about bad the things i do and not out having any fun, and not with the very people who had to put up with me on a daily basis for nine solid months.

clare and tweak were the ones who hugged me because they don't know how bad i am. everyone else just stared on and had NO BUSINESS ASKING LATER WHY THE HELL I WAS CRYING. i was lonely - i was so lonely in a room full of people i knew i couldn't do anything about the fact that nobody wanted me there.

my shot hurts so bad i can't move my typing arm, so i'm going to leave now and rest it. i'm not upset, i guess that was just steam that needed release. it's how strongly i want this summer to go well and just do my best making my friends really happy ^-^.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11