You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

my last therapy session just ended. *le sigh*...it was good. we came to a mutual conclusion about what i should do, and on a completely seperate note we decided i should set an appointment for a neurologist.

before my mother woke me up this morning, she went to see the ben taylor band, and returned with his cd, which had a little note scrawled on the disc itself reading "kari, please give this cd a spin. i hope you will enjoy ^-^ love ben". that was quite possibly the nicest thing a man's ever written me. the album has yet to be spun, but i like the lyrics to "island" already. when my head stops spinning, the cd can get to spinning.

my head has hurt a bit for the past few days. i feel certain anxieties hightening for really stupid reasons...none that you're thinking of, i'm sure. deeply personal matters - the only set of which i've got. i suppose i'm not a personal person. so when something is bothering me that deeply...i get messed up for a bit. thank god, i'm going over to clare's tomorrow. and i believe i'll be seeing tweak soon. they've both been so impossibly sweet in this very difficult patch...clare and i are going to (at last!) see "whatever happened to baby jane" and soon tweak is having a little get-together...one that i will not leave, because i have no future surgeries lined up.

i'd really like to be candid right now but i can't, i'm sorry. i'd like to pour out my seething little guts and tell you just what i think and what i feel but i can't. because while i'm dying to tell others, some just don't deserve to know.

anyway.

various people seem to be mad at me right now...to this i say, I'M SORRY, even if i'm not completely clear on what i've done. i don't want to know extensive detailes...i'm in such a bad place right now you wouldn't get very far with me, but i am truely and deeply sorry for whatever mistakes i've made and didn't notice. *head spins*...GOD. i don't know what's going on.

i'm trying to feel good about myself. why is that so hard for people to accept...

love hates you
i live my life in ruins for you
and for all your secrets kept
i squashed the blossom
and the blossom's dead
- hole, "reasons to be beautiful"

clare. tweak. jordan. i miss you.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)