i lose my grip. i lose times six.

1:45 p.m. x 2003-09-02

i'm royally sick of the up-down roller coaster ride my moods have been taking. i don't like myself too hyper, i usually wind up forgetting what's been going on faster, and i feel really annoying, and when i calm down i quickly get really upset and want to cry.

i just want to be "fine". for a good ten minutes, content and calm and clear. so many things are so vastly wrong - i just want to snap out of it. there are things i don't want to think anymore, things i don't want to keep getting myself into. the subconcious emotional masochism. the deliberate victimization. i'm not a masochist and i'm not a victim - i don't know what's going on with me. i wish i did. i wish i knew why i'm like this.

i wish someone else knew who i am, and why i am like i am. i wish that someone else liked me...or something else...even with this knowledge. i wish someone liked me the way i am.

and they didn't mind that i could be sad, or have problems and need to stop for a minute, or argue a little when i didn't like the way things were going, or need them to, for just a minute, please listen to what is wrong. why can't anybody seem to do that?

whatever's wrong. i don't know. i'd like to. i'm not even in a terribly bad state - i suppose i just wanted to get it out. and that seems to be as out as it's getting. it's very very hard for me to articulate a problem, and this is even worse.

i don't even know what this as. it's just...terrible. and i'd like to get away from it and go back to my dream, where "glass vase cello case" plays and there are no problems and someone listens anyway.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11