"she asked if it would hurt, i smiled and said 'no'. the lie ran down my chin like embryo."

- acid bath

i don't think i've ever operated so heavily on two seperate levels before. if i did, i don't recall it. i know for a long time i avoided acknowledging anything that couldn't be openly stated in public. and i opened myself up to a whole load of things i hope, quite frankly, i never have to experience again. and i realized there was another level at work - an undercurrent of guilt and fear and paralyzing shock. at myself and everyone else. and i was stuck there.

and even though it brought with it a perspective i desperately needed, i think i wouldn't have gone there at all if i'd known then i'd spend massive, important portions of my day there. alone. sitting on my bed or on my floor or in my tub or here at the computer, and not being here at all. scrambling violently and vehemently away from something only to spend the next hour wandering back. or worse yet - getting driven away, and kept away, by someone or something, and returning in a sudden sensation of falling down a well and landing with a hard, immediate SMACK.

and to be thrust in and out of this on a daily basis...is a task i have not mastered. "but i'm trying", she says...@_@.

"she isn't very good at living."

- evangelion

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)