11:05 p.m. x 2003-11-14

i was so sure that that was the wrong thing to be feeling, you know.

at first it was fantastic - a genuine pang of intensity, out of nowhere, and it was really mine. and i didn't think for a minute after i realized it that i'd ever want to disown this great thing and i'd never want to hinder it or further myself from it.

i should have known. sometimes i think i'm like a funnel or a duct for other things to move threw, and nothing's really mine. and, like now, when i'm sosososoSOOOOOOO sure that this thing i have is all mine, i really really don't believe i want it anymore.

or it'd be better if it wasn't. i don't know anymore. i don't know what i want. but whatever it is right now, I DON'T WANT IT.

i feel emotionally pithed. you know, i was never that strong to begin with - why the fuck would anyone expect me to be? why am i beaten into this corner?

i don't care about school, but i wish it were summer so i might hide in my room and never come out. retreating inward right now would be the most security i can manage for myself. i don't know if it's true or not but it seems everyone has a motive against me or intent on using me as a mechanism. and if that isn't the case - not many have come foreward to prove these convictions wrong.

i'd hope you can sense that i am in a very bad way. and i can't think of anything else to write, so if you'll excuse me, i'll be leaving you for now.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)