2:46 p.m. x 2003-11-20

today was the genesis of a new local holiday: mercury day. i shall explain...

upon arriving in my first block class and settling in for a long day of monotony, the announcements aired. just as clare began to read them, a bell rang. and not just any bell - THE FIRE ALARM! it wasn't a drill. it wasn't a prank. it was - *dundundun* - MERCURY!

and so, because of some very special individuals with a very special mason jar full of everyone's favorite poisonous substence, the entire student body & staff was locked into the gym for 3/4ths of the day. those four very special hours were full of debauchery, dictatorship, and dancing with tweak! clare! kara! heather! paco! josh! josh's bald spot! alex! bridget! brandi! bethany! manda! sara! catie! 'twas an overall enjoyable experience.

except for a few things. but when you cramp all the drama of a schoolday into a locked gym, these things are bound to happen. those who snapped deserved to snap. except me. i had a stupid snap that nobody (self-included) understood. well...i know why i snapped. i just didn't understand it - i didn't think it was anything to snap over. and still, snapped i did. snappy.

and after random moments of careful meditation i secured throughout the day - i identified a feeling that has been plaguing me for a bit now. all along, it was envy. this person that i know has the ability to do what i'd like to do and be how i think i'd secretly like to be. and this thing seems to be the very last thing this person wants to be.

this person and i have a lot in common, including a specific issue that this person doesn't like to get into. that much. we've talked about it before but, you know - it isn't something i'll just bring up about this person. it's something i'd like to help with, but i don't feel it's my place. this person never said "this thing that i am causes me extreme discomfort and i feel alienated because of it" - this person doesn't need to. it's explicitly clear in the way this person handles their relationships with others.

i'd love nothing more than to say "yes! i know! exactly how you feel - i've felt that way, too!", but i can't. i really REALLY can't. i tried today. i had to physically restrict myself from throwing up and then found that (and this has happend a REDICULOUS number of times just lately) i could not speak at all. as you talk or as you write, you formulate the thoughts and sentences in your head. the formulating was happening as if i was talking but i wasn't. my mouth was opened but i couldn't manipulate the air into words. i just looked kind of spazzy and weird. when i finally managed to say something, it was meant to close the elaborate, eloquent statement i had formulated. i spat out "i'm sorry", and by then the person wasn't looking.

i really don't dislike myself, but there are some aspects of myself that i cannot stand at all. not even for another two seconds.

BUT, you see - if, for example, one is in a line of people and everyone else is wearing blue and they are wearing orange, a few things could happen. either those in charge would go "hey - you're wearing orange! that isn't right!" and you go "so i am" and put on blue. or those in charge would go "hey -that isn't right!" but they don't quite know why, and neither do you, and you start to slowly loathe yourself. i, on the other hand, tend to work this way: if i am wearing orange in a line of others wearing blue and those in charge say "hey - that isn't right!" but they don't quite know why, i'm prone to look down and say "you're right - i'm wearing orange and everyone else is wearing blue. there's only one thing to do about that: get everyone else orange clothes". that's how i think. if there is a problem with me, a change the situation, but not myself.

it's worked rather well up to now, that i know the issue here is explicitly with myself. and i will work through it! do you know why? it's MERCURY DAY!


if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11