You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

today the guilt phase set in. the overwhelming feeling that i'm just being more of a bitch by not saying something about my problem(s). i'd fully intended to do something about it right up until third block, when i began to sniffle to myself in my chair, and the teacher said the creepiest thing to the class. i suppose it dealt with the story we were reading, but it made me vastly uncomfortable.

as i akwardly assembled my belongings to leave the room, the teacher wrapped up her discussion by saying something to the tune of "imagine you've done something you're deeply disturbed by or ashamed of. now, imagine that the person beside you knows that." and it was powerful, however it was put, and i shivered and squirmed out of class. then on the way home there was some creepy "when your loved one is suffering" thing on the radio that made me want to scream. it was just too ironic and too...uuugh...

it seems like some people think the world is looking for a reason to stop and their problems will be enough to make everyone just drop what they're doing and rush to their side. as much as i would've liked to be taken aside for a second - i rather enjoy the world going by very normally as it does, very fast, and position myself right in the center so all the rushing and buzzing will just hude me, and i can deal with everything on my own.

never mind being carried away by the undercurrent. i suppose if i'm unfixed enough to be carried away then nothing i was doing could've been terribly important.

i'm resuming therapy soon, and now - i'm in a very interesting place. because all the times i've gone before and they've asked "so what exactly IS wrong with you?" i've been very vague about it. up until recently things were never...well, dangerous. severe. whatever. and so i was never really assisted as good as i would've hoped. i had to wait until things got to the point that i was hardly functioning normally for people to go "hey - what's up here?", and since i wasn't the one ranting about suicide in the hallway or getting removed from class.

one day recently, i went down to schedule an appointment with the counselor and she said i "didn't seem like i really needed it" and told me to wait.

good things did not follow with the remainder of my day. is it bad that nothing SEEMS wrong? i suppose so, because something definitely is. it is my inability to take the matter seriously and to just ADMIT things to myself that are standing sharply in the way.

and now for mindless self-indulgence: i hope that your disappointment in my saying "i don't feel like that about anybody" could be read as a little huff of lost hope. that maybe you DO feel SOMETHING. like that. about me? (i have to ask.)

i think it's the fact that you're the worst possible thing for me and my self esteem that makes you so appealing. that you might allow me to be a muddy emotional mess is almost alluring enough for me to pursue you. LIKE i actually have a chance at having you as i'd like to.

and i bet you're at home thinking the exact same thing with another person in mind. gaaaaah.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)