10:51 p.m. x 2004-01-05

it's been too long since somebody made me feel like that, i guess, that the sick, uncomfortable sense of DISRESPECT. and even worse, perhaps, is the realization that this fear of mine is not a fear in my casual neurotic sense. it's all part of my neurosis, but that's painfully obvious (*ugh*...i had so get something from my mother, didn't i?). but at the heart of this minor disrepency lies something much more profoundly twisted and stupid. so much so that i'm beginning to think myself unfit to continue doing things as i do them now.

i'm not happy doing things this way. and i suppose that's a new year's resolution then, mm? or a marilyn manson's birthday resolution. yes - i WILL improve upon my unfulfilling lifestyle in the name of brian hugh warner, and EVERYTHING that is good and pure about canton, ohio! i think i can do it. yeah, with motivation like that? who needs dr. phil?

i will deal with this in a calm, rational manner, then. one that doesn't include the phrase "i'll do whatever the fuck i want" (because he cannot) or the act of punching one in the gut (because i should not). DAMN highschool.

...baaah, this entry has made me miss twiggy, and the whole mechanical animals era. badly. to be chronologically correct, i missed it, but it represents a specific time i'd love to feel again, and a great sense of closeness that i haven't lossed but still kind of miss. MER, i can't win!

i close this entry with the obligatory "good evening", and a heartfelt thank you to tweak and catie. neither of you are probably aware of the great thing you did for me today, but to keep somebody's head above water is a pretty gracious gesture, even if it's an unconcious one.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)