pinch me to waking

6:29 p.m. x 2004-01-12

sorry, to everybody, about what an utter drag i've been lately. specifically at lunch. that isn't my best spot of the day. i won't miss next week's art club meeting, as my appointment wasn't scheduled on a monday this time.

*sputter sputter*, i was such a morose bucket of neurosis today. i suppose people have bad days, but this was a day that was slowly trying to kill me by administiring strong doses of fatigue, apathy, and discouragement evenly throughout the day, wrapped in little blankets of review games and okay-ish test grades, until i sank into the couch in front of jane and she commented on how horrible i seemed to feel. before i'd said anything.

it seems like when i feel ravaged and awful, nobody actually acknowledges it, which has lead me to treat feelings i should probably be listening to intentively like the warning signs of a natural disaster that couldn't possibly be that serious (no common sense up in here...) but just about every minute of the day otherwise people ask me what's wrong and if i'm okay. lately this hasn't been the case as i have been anything BUT okay, but i can understand it. i lose track of what my face is doing a good bit of the time, and some weird thoughts sometimes rise to the skin and form a perfectly misunderstandable grimace.

hehe, grimace...

i hope with the new semester, i lose my awfully agitated skittishness. i wouldn't mind my concentration back either. and if it isn't to much to ask, i'd like to never have another panic attack. again. EVER. not too much, right?



as for entertainment, i've finished running with scissors, and i miss it dearly. i need to read dry right now, even if it's going to lack the antics of the author's psychotic mother and his circus sideshow of a foster family. it comforted me and sent me reeling away from the book for days at a time (it is rather hard to stay away from for long) because of the similarities between the author and i. in the situations facing him and the stuff he thinks about.

i had the book out during english and the teacher was reading the back, explaining to me an instance where she'd been severely medicated and was under the impression that her cardiologist was santa claus. that was great...

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11