...terrifying experience...temporary loss of identity...body begins...ends...fragmentation...

2:46 a.m. x 2004-08-20

it isn't like a project. or a mission or a hobby, as it seems like it creates more time than it passes. so i can't actually give it up and i wouldn't want to. BUT i'd certainly love it love it love it

if it would just fucking pay off.

summer hasn't been bad but it was brutal brutal brutal. occassionally. tough but not unpleasant. productive sort of. and a bit futile. frustrating but filling the criteria i guess for the better part of "vacation".

this is my last year & not incidentally my final nerve. so far i've only felt remotely good about that in light of four different instances, one of which should be gapingly obvious that THERE IS NOTHING KEEPING ME HERE! and that'll be the best. yes.

the other three are the three tiny situations in which people have gone "alright! yes! kari's really going to have her oppertunity now to not be so stuck and ... and ... " yes. there's that great gleaming FREE and three fleeting comments. i don't know if the people who made them know.

well there was person #1 who called me at 11 the one day and planned my future in the cutest most considerate way. in the not-bossy, ugly, tired, damning way but taking into consideration the fact that i'm not without ambition.

THE WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD ASSUMES THAT I AM AIMLESS and i can't say i haven't the faintest as to why BUT i DON'T expect those CLOSE TO ME to be all "poooor kari...god she sucks at everything..." fact check: you cannot fit my ego into the average auditorium/all-purpose room. you cannot fit my personal accomplishments into the state of south dakota. read: i know what i can do and do goddamn fucking well. new-york-times-rave-review well.

and this lovely, lovely person knows to, thankmelgibson.

instant #2 was really inexplicable except i was sitting about with two people and i explained my tentative plans to one of them and this person replied enthusiastically with "that's perfect!" and other such encouraging words.

instant three was my mother. glad to see her pop up somewhere in here. today she poured over an article that outlined precisely what i wanted to do post-prison and was as gleeful about it as i was/am. so now i know of something i can actually do that isn't heartbreakingly TENTATIVE.


in other news there's this comment that it seems keeps recurring, focused in my direction, that is really hideously rude and uncomfortable, and is frequently made by close associates. what the fuck is your problem? uuugh...stuff is bothering me.

i'm looking foreword to stuff not bothering me anymore.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11