i'm so number one that it's a shame that you let other numbers in the game

8:27 p.m. x 2004-10-14

i had an insanely awesome day, which barely felt insanely awesome because of how worn-out i am. when i wasn't eating within miles of right and never exercising i had chronic insomnia, when i started eating and exercising nice i would pass out at random parts of the day and then experience chronic insomnia otherwise, and now that i've been doing that for half a year, i'm just tired all the time. and i'm still an insomniac. a malnourished one with incredible calf muscles.

while i was walking today i thought primarily about two things (i zone on walks, almost never concentrating on things, but today was different, i think a wrinkle was functioning better than usual), the first being about a conspiracy surrounding "the grinch" that i had asked my mom about afterwards and she quickly discredited it. sometimes the mind just has to leap upon any and all opportunities to warp a dr. seuss tale. (come ON: "i have some good tricks. i will show them to you. you're mother will not mind at all if i do.") the other was courtney love.

i'm curiously devoid of role models, for the most part. i don't idealize people because i don't feel they need idealizing. i think people are perfect as is, and can appreciate people for things a lot easier than it seems like others can. so when i was in middle school and i was of an appropriate age to begin an illustrious career as a doppelganger to the hero/heroine of my choice, and i shopped around a little...tina root from switchblade symphony was the first, i maniacally adored her, and gwen stefani which seems almost obligatory considering (it could've been so much worse, and hell i am in mad passionate lust with her new single just as i write this), but then one day i thought about it and came to the conclusion that i just really, really like courtney love.

that's astoundingly inexplicable, even to me. she's scaled the celebrity risk behavior field and appeared none to bright or together for the majority of her career that i've been around to witness (2000 and on - sad, sad years). she's had some questionable physical blunders and has been mysteriously hospitalized...in light of all of it maybe it is a little too something of me (what? naive? i'm sick of words) to appreciate and admire her words & music.

and i know she could improve upon the latest venture. she wrote "pretty on the inside". i guess as far as that is conserned, i think she can do anything. yeah. it's all about "pretty on the inside". well! we've solved that riddle. and i still find courtney love cool.

my one teacher keeps asking me if i'd like to be referred to the start team. something just reminded me...hmm.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11