11:52 p.m. x 2005-01-26

"it doesn't seem as if you've worked very hard on this."

i'm going to hear it no matter what. whether or not i actually work on it at all...

it's searing, it's extremely disheartening and very threatening, and it isn't something i like to vocalize because

i do not enjoy letting on to others how paranoid i am (about this specific arena).

he said: "you're different and it works for you". i can feel the nails dragging down my face. i know he appreciated it that time they sat me in the office and told me i was a RISK! and i had to be detained for a matter of days...and they layed it all out for me before they ever considered asking my input, and it started there.

more or less. they've been fucking it up for themselves the entire time.

(this is where my superiority complex pummels and buffets reality around in a straw sack.)

allow me to factor in:

i am an insomniac, i get 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night.

i am host to the puzzling equivalent of neurological dustbunnies.

i have not now nor have i been since like fifth grade motivated to operate in a setting like that.

i think you're all very very stupid.

"she is self-educated" "she is so smart" "you have no idea what you have, what your range is" - i know that i'm the most terrible translator. nothing comes through properly ever. it is either pornography or has more than three errors in spelling, punctuation or capitalization.

it's a mixture of resentment/loathing/fear, and it's thick and a bitch to navigate through. it's the kind of thing to conjur up a fight-or-flight moment where i'm either arguing or ignoring. i'm not saying apethy doesn't happen (oh hell no) but i'm saying: i do the work.

things are unutterably bad now, and it has nothing to do with any of this. this is just a major fucking bitch on top of it all.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)