10:38 p.m. x 2005-05-10

i think i can legitimately say that the idea DEPRESSES me. when i think about it i feel like i want to completely abandon the effort, sleep and do little else, etc. and that is THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO! i'm crying about it again, i've cried about it frequently.

my post-high school education scenario. i want to get my doctorate. my psyD. i want to work in film. i want to be financially independant. i want to be autonomous. i don't want to live at home anymore! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE I KNOW ANYONE. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE AN APPENDAGE OR PART OF A GROUP. i feel so disgusting living at home now. i'm at a point.

i need 12 credits. i'll get 12 credits so fast you'll positively FREAK OUT how fast those 12 credits flew by. and i'll get awesome grades in those lightening-fast 12 credits, so awesome that any college in the country will scoop me up for their honors psychology program. i'll have a place to read and listen to penderecki and allow everything to settle and pay for things and maybe even i will sleep correctly. i'll be really healthy.

so help me. i start this job tomorrow. i'm not spending a cent of my earnings and i'm working all fucking hours of the day. i can now spend the money in my account however i want, and i want a place to live.

dropping the 100 lb weight on my person didn't even make me cry (and i tried to speak to my mother about this and she yelled at me because she's watching "the amazing race"!).

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)