11:28 p.m. x 2005-06-25

my throat is still ravaged. i'm in a place that i can't leave, because i'm concentrating on it SOOOO HARD, and if i feel like i can bounce in and out of it and operate on several gears i'm kidding myself. i am monogeared. i'm all or nothing. and i'm here now, and i can't get out. it's such a strained place to be and i feel like it gives me so much "perspective" but it actually just drives me youknowwhat.

i just envelope into this other way of thinking that derailsderailsderails anything constructive, normal, or otherwise important, and i stick myself in places like this. I OPERATE SO LITTLE AND SO BADLY (from lack of practice, g) IN THE WAY THAT I SHOULD and the way a person does when they, y'know, operate. i'm gone, i'm BUSY! geez, i'm ALWAYS BUSY. i'm always in the middle of something that doesn't exist.

it doesn't exist. except when things depend on it, and it impairs your day, it exists on some level (not finely and minutely, but an abstract mass to work your way around to get to homework and to friends and to "would you like the reciept with you or in the bag?"). that and i'm tiiiiiiirrrrred.

i used my employee discount to buy katy a birthday cake-scented candle and a "50 golden years" card. it was the first time i'd used my employee discount! i also made her a cd. aliya left all of her cds on the plane and i hope she gets them back. i lost my jacket (not tonight, a bit ago now, but i'm just throwin' that out there: JACKET! I MISS YOU! COME HOME!).

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)