12:03 a.m. x 2005-07-22

today i downloaded "transmission" by the tea party and "spitfire" by the prodigy, and otherwise spent a lot of time being upset, toiling, experiencing massive self-doubt like i haven't felt in, what, ever, and constantly thinking about this guy. sad sad sad. not really him, even. his body. i am sooooo disconnected. i don't speak english (or i don't speak the language you speak). there is a random coterie of people, a loose and sparing network of individuals who meet me and cannot believe to save their lives that i experience what i experience in school. can't believe i'm not an honor student. i know, i say, but you know what?

everyone thinks i'm an idiot. enough people think otherwise to create a sensible balance. but if you were sane and everyone else were insane, it wouldn't do you much good then. it would not, it would not. i'm going to cry thinking about it, is so frustrating.

people do not understand me, and it goes far fucking beyond fashion choices and music taste. people do not understand me when i speak, when i write, or any other little actions i make that may be indicitive to a course of thought - WHAT THE HELL, KARI. like i'm retarded. like i'm really, really stupid.

and it's ridiculous how many things i'm good at. most people can't do as much as me as well as me. i know that.

i totally stopped writing this to go look at more pictures of this guy. this is a little bit because i miss clare and she likes him, and an increasing amount more that very specific details of him look like somebody else. i like to look at him a lot. i wish he was in a better band so that when i search myspace groups for his pictures i don't get twelve year olds going "n e ways" and "LOL hez hot". to each his own, i mean...that's perfectly all right. but that IS the target audience.

i feel like the dirty old man who visits britney spears forums. he's obviously not there because he likes to dance around to "(you drive me) crazy" in a pink tutu (and if he does - surprise! - it is to get off). he lusts after her. when i keep that in mind and stay the dirty old man course, i don't feel half as bad about having googled this band like ninety times.

i made myself a poster of him to stand on my bookshelf so that i can stare at him constantly. it is making me feel better. it is actually kind of scaring me and making me struggle against it, which makes me like him (as an idea) even more. it's a shame the music's not more my speed (can't stand it, not a note of it). i held a cd of theirs at border's and got resentful of it for sucking so much that i almost said it aloud.

the nature of this is so intriguing, and it's SO attraction-repulsion which is something that i really like because it's so much stimuli. it's visceral. it's taking over my mind - and that's so disgusting!


if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11