so we're not supposed to tell anyone what nobody knows

6:55 p.m. x 2005-07-31

worked. 12-5. could've called off. didn't have to. something did/didn't happen, and i'm supposed to hear of it. if you're reading this and you know me (and i'm thinking of you, of course, kara) don't say anything about this to anybody. i'm supposed to hear of it a certain way, and then i guess everyone else will if that's what they want.

but you keep praying, just in case (don't ask me, PLEASE don't ask me because there isn't anything that i can tell you because I DON'T KNOW EITHER, but i have something to give you anyway, so hit me up for that).

my legs are completely cramped up, and i hope this winter is bitterly, insanely cold so that when we go to concerts (which we totallyfuckingARE, dear) nobody's that sweaty. can't wait can't wait can't wait. can't wait to start wearing scarves...can't wait to cover my forearms...

there's a boy at work and the more i see him the more attractive he gets. there is another boy, an older boy, who i like all ready, but THIS boy is very interesting. i like his shape a little more, and he has an ex-TREMELY nice face except he never ever looks happy or awake. but he dresses extremely nice and never speaks. he seems subservient/passive-aggressive. i wonder if i could get him to scream at me. after that, i wonder if we could be friends and go out sometime.

he saw me looking at him twice today. yeah, that's right. i'm staring at you. i want you to come over and say "wtf?". i'm trying to make you uncomfortable. come over to my register and tell me to knock the fuck off. i'll attack you in the breakroom and we can make out in recovery. i'm just gonna keep staring until you take some initiative. act beastly, little boy. throw a shoe at me.

i have spent an obscene amount of my own money this weekend. i bought a my chemical romance tote, and FUCK YEAH i'm using it for college. i'm the only kid there under forty anyhow. i might as well completely revel in my juvenilia. right after work i had to make an emergency eyeliner run. i forget how incendiary eyeliner is to my frivolous, unexpansive universe. along the same lines, i had a dream that i was hugging tweak. like, the whole dream was hugging tweak, and manda, and kissing theire foreheads. i haven't seen either for some length of time. i also dreamt that i was sitting in a loft with clare. there were feathers everywhere (as i consult a dream dictionary, this means "confusion" - heckyes). there was another aspect of the dream that signifies "a part of oneself unable to be freely expressed". hmm. homoerotic.

i also dreamt that i woke up and ryan was on the phone (because this used to happen all last summer) and he asked if i was ready and i wanted to rent a movie with him. i was really devastated when i woke up and rubbed my eyes and realized i'd dreamt that. really devastated. even more devastated when i looked at my hands and saw that they were full of eyeliner and i'd slept in my makeup. eugh.

it just sort of struck me now that things are going to be really, extremely different. especially for the kids (the seniors). i'll be at half-college for a semester. i'll dip into them frequently, but i think that things were really different for them this past year all ready. it's going to get interesting. i hope everybody can keep it together and remember that they love each other (sometimes i wonder about one of the kids, i just don't think her head's in the right place...i'd say reprioritize, but then maybe she feels better doing the things she's doing than not...i just want her to be happy, of course, because i love her, i want to kiss her little head and welcome her back from gov school as soon as possible).

all, i've got to go fangirling. gotta get that out of the way before i do my homework, unless somebody feels like reading 3000 words on the magical mixed bag of gleeful genetics that is the way family. how can i do that with my kids?

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11